The Squirrel Song

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Big Jerm

ID Labs (stylized as "I.D. Labs") is a commercial recording studio and production facility, opened in 2003, owned and operated by Pittsburgh-based producer, E. Dan. The engineer and producer team, composed of Jeremy "Big Jerm" Kulousek, Eric "E. Dan" Dan and Zachary "Sayez" Vaughan have previously and collectively gone under the name I.D. Labs. Most known for his extensive work with hip-hop artists Wiz Khalifa and Mac Miller, E. Dan has recorded, mixed, and/or produced several Gold and Platinum certified releases throughout his 20-year career in the music business.As a studio, ID Labs has served as a home to other influential producers from Pittsburgh including Big Jerm, Sledgren, Sayez, Christo, Nice Rec, Dreamer, and others. more »

3:11

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*Squirrels chirping

The year is 2016


Yo, why the f*ck is this cop flashing me, while I'm minding my own business, taking a pee, behind this park tree, heah, I bet he's checking out my weewee. Let me just give him the finger, oh f*ck, now he's coming up to me

*Clears throat

“The reason that I stopped you is it looked like you were taking a pee over there by that tree, looks to me like public indecency”

“No officer, I was getting a blowjob from a squirrel, need anything else from me, like my ID? Or maybe the ID of the squirrel but I swear he told me he was 18” 


“Stay right there, don't try to flee, let me see that ID, do you have any warrants or anything?”

He radio's in for backup, “We have a real nutcase over here”, I over hear

“That's what he said before he gave me head” I said (not in my head)

“So let me get this straight, you pulled down your pants in that tree and a squirrel popped out and performed sodomy?”

For those of you not aware, sodomy, also known as buggery, is the act of sticking your penis into anything other than a vagina, there is a misconception out there that it only refers to anal sex

“Something like that but not quite, I didn't have to pull down my pants, it ran up my leg, in fact maybe I'm the victim here so don't try to stick those charges on me, the squirrels woody was clear to see, unlike that dog last week, he was only 3”

“Sounds to me like you're confessing to a felony”

“Well officer, I didn't pass the bar but I know a little bitch, enough that bestiality is legal in the state of Nevada so you have no cause to arrest me, plus the dog was on top and hard as a rock knotted in me so you can't even pin on me animal cruelty, we were just 2 consenting adults being a little bit knotty”

“I thought you said there ‘was' no boner to see”

“He was behind not in front of me”

“I thought you said the dog was 3!”

“I'm not here to do math dog”

“I'm going to have to check on all that, one sec, put your hands on my car, do you have anything sharp in your pants?”
“You probably don't even know how to spell bestiality, I'll give you a hint, it's the best, let me know when I'm free to leave.” I keep taunting the officer as he proceeds to search me 

“What's this jar of Nutella doing in your pants?”

Oh f*ck, gonna be hard to get out of this one now. I was fibbing to y'all at the beginning about taking a pee 

Let's just say the officer wasn't too fond of our interaction nor my unnecessary confession, I should have lawyered up or listened to Jay-Z. 

You better stop fingering me, oh the irony, police release me, I'll sue for police brutality, you'll see! 

*Handcuffs cuffing

“cre the K9's still going to come?”

The moral of the story is don't be a dick to the man with the stick, they can always find a reason to f*ck with you or digitally you if you make them not like you and it's not worth the hassle

I know it's kinda hard to keep your cool but do your very best not to act like a fool or you may be sitting in front of a stainless steel stool in front of a dude named Raul who will make you eat his stick while he's shitting on a stool

“Looks like we're out of toilet paper”
“Oh no sir, there's some more right there”  

He proceeds to grab me by the hair, with the grip of a bear into his bare asshole, what an asshole, I told you it wasn't worth the hassle 

The booking happened on a Friday night so would have had to fight for my life over the weekend just not to get the rear end of a broom in my rear end by a

Needless to say, within 15 minutes I was in my first fist side since high school, only it was his fists not mine, got me with two at a time, only it wasn't my face his fists were pounding. It was like he was preparing me to smuggle a little kid, god forbid. Luckily the broom stick felt like a hot dog in a hallway the very next day when I was supposed to be cleaning up my blood, shit and tears from behind the sheet covered doorway

Monday came and finally got in front of the judge
“Not guilty, am I free to go, lady?”
“I heard you like taking out your penis in public parks, I'm sure you're aware there was a school near there”
“But it was 11 at night!”

*Judge hammer x 4

Let's just say, if you ever see me out on tour now you'll know why there's no kids around unless it's a stadium show with the loophole of them being seated at least 2000 ft towards the back row

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