Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Stephen SondheimStephen Sondheim 

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Stephen Sondheim

Stephen Joshua Sondheim ( /ˈsɒnd.haɪm/) (born March 22, 1930) is an American composer and lyricist known for his contributions to musical theatre. He is the winner of an Academy Award, eight Tony Awards including the Special Tony Award for Lifetime Achievement in the Theatre, multiple Grammy Awards, a Pulitzer Prize and the Laurence Olivier Award. Described by Frank Rich of the New York Times as "now the greatest and perhaps best-known artist in the American musical theater", his most famous works include (as composer and lyricist) A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Company, Follies, A Little Night Music, Sweeney Todd, Sunday in the Park with George and Into the Woods. He also wrote the lyrics for West Side Story and Gypsy. more »

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Ladies and gentlemen!
May I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on, you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
That rose from the dead
On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible
Dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees
I was dying of shame
'Til a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like what I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (go ahead and tug, sir)
You don't need (go ahead, sir, harder)
Ah, let's go!

Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulating, innit?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!
Penny buys a bottle, might as well (how about a sample?)
(Wotcher think?) Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?
Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement? 
Penny buys a bottle, does it? (That's enough, sir, ample) (Go ahead and try it, what the hell)

Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See that chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell he's
Used Pirelli's

Let me have a bottle
Make that two
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench? (Then again I could get some for Harry)
Are we standing near an open trench? (How about a beer?)
Must be standing near an open trench (you know a pub?)
Bye, bye (I'm just passing by) (there's one close by) (pass it by)

Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls

Want to buy a bottle, missus?
What is this?
Propagates the hair, sir (what is this?)
(Penny for a bottle)
Smells like piss (what was that?)
Smells like-phew! (He says it smells like piss)
Looks like piss (says it smells like piss) (would not touch it if I was you, dear!)
(Wotcher think?) 
How about a sample, mister? (This is piss) 
Piss with ink!
Let me smell that bottle
I don't want no ink piss!
What is this? (Never mind that madman, mister) (What does that smell like to you, sir?)
Give us back our money! 
Give 'em back their money! (What does that smell like to you ma'am?)
Where is this Pirelli?
Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

Let Pirelli's
Activate your roots, sir
Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through
(Go and get Pirelli!)
Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it
Flies do, too!

Hand the bloody money over!
Hand the bloody money over!

See Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!
Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
That'll do the trick, sir
(What about the money?)
If you've got a kick, sir
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
What about our money? (Tell it to the mixer of the Miracle Elixir)
If you've got a kick, sir! (Where's Pirelli?)
Talk to him!

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