Suicide

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Bobby Gaylor

Robert Gaylor Jr. is an American writer, actor, voice actor, producer, director, spoken word artist and former stand-up comic. He was raised in Boston and moved to L.A. to write for Roseanne Barr's television sitcom Roseanne. He later paired his comedy writing and life stories with music, and along with his friends and fellow musicians Marc Bonilla and Michael Scott, recorded and released an album on Atlantic Records, called Fuzzatonic Scream.He played Buford van Stomm on the Disney Channel animated series Phineas and Ferb. He's written some of the episodes, and wrote and performed songs for the series. He co-produced 16 episodes of Hope & Faith. He also performed a song called "Suicide". more »

Year:

2000

6:27

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Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That's right. 
You don't like the way your life's going,
You don't like the way you are in the world,
Anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren't allowed that thought
And believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
That live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras if they even had remotely that thought
Would take a look at themselves and go, "What the f*ck!"
Black & white in a green & brown world this blows.
I'm just gonna jump in the river
I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
Or even open a jar of pills.
I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth.
Why even bother?"
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
So they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there's a bunch of people that say,
"Oh, it's against the law".
Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, "Oh, we should save them".
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it's not all bad.
Now, I'm not saying "Kill yourself".
But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
It's no sweat off of my back.
There's a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open
An apartment will become available
There'll be more air for me
They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me
There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me
There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their fucking slips filled out
I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
And have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag"
You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served
You'll never get AIDS
You won't have to worry about calories ever
No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"
There'll be one less polluting human
You won't have to recycle
There'll be one less car on the road
There'll be more Ring Dings for me
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared
Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios
You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore
No more church
You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My Ass!"
No more wet dreams about Supermodels
No more Barry Manilow
Not for a few years anyway
Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles
You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion
F*ck flossing and brushing
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare
Adios, acne
Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain
See ya later, homework
You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park
School's out forever
No more paying bills
You won't have to do chores

You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries
Bugs Bunny
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws
Candy
Living above ground
Pudding crust
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to 
"F*ck off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did"
You'll miss sex you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it, 
Sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever roller coasters
Naming your kid the name you always wanted
Making a difference in the world
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open
A lifetime of masturbating
Watching your favorite team sweep the series
Music, you will definitely miss music
Trying to sneak into your house drunk three hours past your curfew
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks
The taste of Captain Crunch
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants
You'll miss your favorite coat
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries
Beating your friends at video games
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas
Skinny dipping
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin
Flying cars

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

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