Grandpa's Thanksgiving Story

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Larry the Cable Guy

Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), known professionally by his stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, country music artist and former radio personality.He was one of the members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which included Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Jeff Foxworthy (with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV). Larry the Cable Guy has released seven comedy albums, of which three have been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of 500,000 copies and in addition has starred in three Blue Collar Comedy Tour–related films, as well as in Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection, as well as voicing Mater in the Cars franchise. Whitney's catchphrase "Git… more »

Year:

2004

2:07

208 Views

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This is the story of the first Thanksgiving, once again by my drunk grandpa:

Many years ago...Christopher Columbus and his pilgrim buddies come to America on a boat called the Mayflower to live because the English King wouldn't let the Jewish people go.
So Moses, who was a friend of Christopher Columbus, rented 3 boats: the Mayflower, the Santa Maria, and the USS Enterprise.
When they landed on America, and indian squaw, named Sacagawea, met them and traded them pelts for beer, and then showed them how to de-gut a rabbit.
That night her friends danced around with their boobs hanging out and balanced clay pots on their heads.
The head pilgrim then baptized all the Indians to be Christians and they shot turkeys and played horseshoes. 
It was General Custer's birthday, and three Oriental Kings showed up with gifts of myrrh and other crap.
Many pilgrims did not survive the first winter because they didn't have heat because Jimmy Carter who was president of the Pilgrims had an oil embargo.

Sacagawea and her Indian friends burnt buffalo turds and heated the camp.
The pilgrims was thankful.
However it smelled so bad animals come outta the forest two by two.
The Lord then made a rainbow appear, to show that he would never make turds burn again, and cause a horrible smell.
Sacagawea fell in love with Kemosabe, and they were married on that first Thanksgiving, and lived in a tent with wheels. That's right.
All the pilgrims were glad to be away from the king, and to beat that they all landed right on Thanksgiving day.
Charlton Heston was then elected president.

My grandpa was REALLY drunk.

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