Such Horrible Things

Sit back now Let me tell you a tale Where justice does not prevail About an ill-fated life So very full of strife Where two wrongs do not make a right So When I was born I did surely scorn My proud parent's name Then their lives went down the drain Drove them insane My birth was a curse I bit the nurse Oh, but I love the worst I deserve to be slowly submersed Dried out then laid in a hearse When I was two I poured super glue Into my fathers hair As he sat unaware In his arm chair Much to his dismay Had to cut it all away Oh, but it felt great I deserve to be cut and filleted Then tossed about in disarray Until the pieces melt away I am not a bad man Even though I do bad things Very bad things Such horrible things But it's not quite what it seems (Not quite what he seems) Not quite what I seem Aw, hell It's exactly what it seems When I was four I'd wait by the door With a knife in my hand And a most devious plan It would be quite grand As the mail fell through the slot The sharp edge he got Oh, but I love the thought I deserve to be tied in a knot Broken bones and blood clots When I was six I used to trick The next door neighbor's son In the woods we would run Time for fun Hide-and-seek has a cost He would be forever lost Oh, but I love to scoff I deserve to have my head lopped off Hidden and covered in moss Until this memory's forgot I am not a bad man Even though I do bad things Very bad things Such horrible things But it's not quite what it seems (Not quite what he seems) Not quite what I seem Aw, hell It's exactly what it seems When I was eight I used to hate The color of my house So as quiet as a mouse I burned it down To the ground When no one was around Oh, but I love the sound I deserve to be quickly put down Rotting six feet underground When I was ten I used to pretend To drown in the sea 'Til they'd come to rescue me Then preceed To laugh in their face Such a disgrace Oh, but I love the taste I deserve to have my brains displaced All over the fireplace Until this life has been erased I am not a bad man Even though I do bad things Very bad things Such horrible things But it's not quite what it seems (Not quite what he seems) Not quite what I seem Aw, hell It's exactly what it seems When I was twelve I used to delve Into evil schemes Just to elicit screams Boost my self-esteem Pushed my sister down a well She just fell Oh, but I love to dwell I deserve to roast deep down in hell Where no one can hear me yell When I was fourteen Nothing much happened Well, there was that one time I am not a bad man Even though I do bad things Very bad things Such horrible things But it's not quite what it seems (Not quite what he seems) Not quite what I seem Aw, hell It's exactly what it seems When I was sixteen Life was frightening My brother was quite dull So with laughter in my skull Pushed him in a hole Then buried him alive He barely survived Oh, but I love the cries I deserve to be battered and fried In an electric chair that's set on high Now that I'm eighteen I still hate things From this padded cell I call my home No friends, no phone No life to call my own Here I will lie Until the very day I die Until my blood begins to dry And I return to the darkness from whence I came So I am not a bad man Even though I do bad things Very bad things Such horrible things But it's not quite what it seems Not quite what I seem Aw, hell I’m exactly what I seem