Checklist for Humanity

This is my checklist for humanity A list of all the ills in the world that we need to fix right now Or at the very least have a right old think about them Just some things that we could maybe do without It's a to-do list, if you will We need to stop all the hate, that has to be the first one Out of all of the emotions hate is definitely the worst one So let's drop the hate right now, just chuck it, I'm serious If we don't stop hating right now I will be so bloody furious Let's replace hate Hate doesn't create You can't build a bridge with the concept of hate That would be ridiculous You need bricks to do this You'll never cross a river with suggestions like this To try to build stuff with an abstract concept would be mental If you're even suggesting this I would question your credentials As a structural engineer You can't build a house with fear Or a shed with anything less than the requisite materials You won't get planning permission for a hate bridge I bet So please cross the river but now your trousers are wet If you build a bridge with hate this is what you get So let's throw hate off a cliff or maybe kick it to death Lets all murder hate Or set its legs on fire Shoot hate in the face or strangle it with a length of copper wire What hate needs from us is a right old bloody lesson That we will F it right up If you'll pardon the expression Let's send it on its way feeling pretty bloody terrible But don't fight hate with hate that's just stooping to its level God see when you think about it Hate is a right dick There's loads of bad stuff in the world today Maybe we should all do something about it Individually or collectively Whatever suits you We could try really hard Or whatever you can manage Then we can all report back on Monday With fresh ideas The next one is fear, which I feel should be banned Fear is just like love except in opposite's land Instead of feeding your compassion it makes you suspicious Like maybe I won't eat that couscous even though it looks delicious Cause Dave said it was made fresh but he could've made it Wednesday And also who even brings couscous to a barbecue anyway Dave does Dave Because he's cheap and he's lazy And I'll never say it to his face cause he's big and he scares me Fear's a state of mind that mankind could do without But not the good kind of fear that stops you teabagging a tigers mouth Although I'm not sure how that opportunity would present itself actually It doesn't seem like the kind of situation that might arise naturally Maybe if you were a zookeeper or had a tiger as a pet But that's ridiculously pricey, you'd be drowning in debt And where would you even keep it A massive thing like that You should probably get a smaller, non-terrifying cat Have you thought about a hamster? That might be an alternative To a tiger which lets face it would be prohibitively expensive I mean, do what you like I'm sure you'll think of something Just don't buy a snake, they can get into the plumbing I'm really worried about toilet snakes Like what if a snake was in your toilet And tried to bite you while you're sitting on it That doesn't sound nice Maybe we could all join together And kill every single snake on the planet I'm sure that wouldn't have a knock on effect Globally It's not just hate and fear and snakes that should be gone The list of all our problems must be 20 miles long There's pride and jealousy and arrogance and disappointment At the sight of everybody's unparalleled enjoyment As they munch on Dave's couscous and they don't touch my coleslaw The effort to make couscous is approximately hee-haw At least I had to chop up three different kinds of veg And that, Susan, is why I threw his couscous in the hedge When are we going to admit that couscous is basically just a middle class pot noodle And Susan is always sticking up for Dave, even though Dave told me he thinks she's annoying And don't forget the other stuff that could be shown the door Like intolerance and ignorance and cruelty and war And climate change and famine and poverty and such And there's certain parts of capitalism are getting a bit much And do we trust the politicians to tidy all this mess up They're too busy in the brewery trying to organise a piss up It's hopeless, you can't fix this many issues in one day Maybe if we ignore them then they'll all just go away There's too many bad things in the world today Maybe we should all just chill and somehow They'll sort themselves out on their own If we really believe Or just have a relaxing weep In your bed at night and you'll be fresh for morning When we do this hellish dance All over again There are so many ills in this world Too many to list, it turns out I mean I didn't even get around to crime Criminals, you know Although I did mention politicians so that's kind of the same thing Eh, am I right No, in fairness actually some politicians do a good job I met a politician once He gave me a bagel You know, it was a decent bagel So you can't tar them all with the same brush Politicians I mean Not bagels Bagels are fine