LOVE 1

I feel it now - the remorse The regret for saying and acting out certain impulses foreign to me Of course I have compassion for myself and see they were only mistakes But this sympathy perhaps infected me too much To the point of narcissistic delusion Angry, betrayed and hurt that she didn't pick me, I became the victim Yet her decision was driven by her own harsh circumstances Something I failed to see through the entitlement It goes back and forth, we were both hurt Yet caring for one another stopped as soon as any romantic narrative Began to decompose into a fantasy I was clawing at to get back in The desperation didn't come from loneliness, rather selfishness Pride became my vehicle, and she become arrogant due to my ignorance The very girl that helped me, connected with me, liked me and wanted to Talk to me was the person I harmed through expectation and imposition She had just gone through something rough because I was in the picture I expected her to be completely vulnerable and choose me because I thought that's how it ended, even now, I see how selfish it sounds A million things, a million reasons why it happened, and I chose me Tried to own you so I could feel better about myself I decided then to get some help Loving you ain't easy because I can barely love myself I wanted you to choose me Cuz I didn't have what I need And that's why Loving you ain't easy because I can barely love myself I've been working on some things To open myself up to change I wanted love So I will love myself I wanted love But I got me I wanted love So I will love myself I wanted love But I got me I wanted love So I will love myself I wanted love But I got me I wanted love So I will love myself I wanted love But I got me You speak of love yet your heart is not readily available Your impatient and impressionable to attention and self-centered flattering You claim it was love but your pattern of saying it within two weeks to All your last partners proves otherwise You seek approval, attachment, attention and admiration from strangers You speak of love, that's for sure Ayy pop off when I'm invited My brother cited now I can feel the progress I am getting excited now Pop off when I'm writing These thoughts down I can feel the progress I am keeping my head down Until it mattered I would say it endlessly Spit it over text Who ever came next The words would come off my chest The last three girlfriends Within two weeks I said I love you One was one week, one was two and One was two days when the time was right At least that's how I rationalize I fight it with the fact that it was genuine And purified But I really just want to lock them up For my gratification Have them by my side in case I Need some validation Stop saying them And they and worst of all Don't say there names at all I try to forget them so I Forget how hard they made me fall well They didn't make me do shit That was a lack of consciousness I said I was under a spell But really I didn't know how I hard I fell Self doubt was the opposite I pushed myself up Couldn't swallow it I called them some names Probably some hollow shit Anything comforting I wanna follow it I speak of love yes I do Can't tell you it's true though What do you know What is true love How can I want them If I have no desire How can I love them If I'm too impartial You can see now my paradox I hear your words but they are not clear enough I cannot see my paradox I'm missing something I know I say I love you But I want you to say it back I want love to come my way I want you to say it back I want to love you But my expectations go above that I could give you everything But I want you to do it all back I want everything from you Where as I lie about me I give you little doses I know I never let myself speak Desire, temptation Love I want you now But it's not love that I want Lust that I find, I just want you around If I loved you Id have let you known In action by seeing you Had to go I can't do what I don't know I can't love you, I need to be alone I need to let it out and go about myself Familiarize myself with love and hate And find a way to help