shortlist

Four years in the making Might ramble here quite a bit So take a seat, gather round Welcome all to my shortlist Of what I'm going through, I wanted to share it with all of you And clear the air a little bit Say it all from my point of view I haven't seen you in a while All the dust has been settled now It couldn't hurt to come and vacuum Before I sell off the house Before I stop talking 'bout this and the story fades into black Where's the remote Rewind the clip Yeah, I'll start by taking back It's Spring of '17 Sitting shotgun there in my car You said celebrities are sad, no matter how big or small It was interesting comment, but something I took to heart Cause If I go and chase my dream, knew it's nothing if we're apart Though I loved when we spent time Felt like nothing could stop my drive And there were other things involved Not the only thing on my mind But we'll visit that in a bit, fast forward to that August Before everybody leaves like arpeggi and weird fish It's Summer '17 To be honest, I'm feeling bored Pretty natural for couples, never had a reference point To know that I was being selfish And taking your love for granted All you wanted was my time While the effort I gave was slanted Wasn't that hard to realize as I slowly became a liar Hiding my true self from you and putting on a disguise Cause when you needed my help I was faker than gas fires Turns out I'd do anything To be the well liked college try-hard That was back when my playlists sounded like frat party basements Dreams of being a famous DJ just to find that I'd hate it Always traveling, never home Late nights in those stale clubs With burnt out thirty years olds And people shallow as drugs Always catching the next flight, surface level every night And as soon as your record dies Career will be right behind To each their own I realized that would never be mine So why'd you mention it Because I didn't know that time Second time at The Cutouts Always said that's the one This time I really shut the door and let you open new ones It only took me a month 'Til I was bored of the fun The fun I was never having Was just some problems outrun It's like I'm not happy with you but worse off when I'm alone I tried to work on myself And figure out what was wrong The other thing on my mind Idea of some freedom What a joke, you always had it Now this can't be undone You always hurt the one you love Well at least that's what they all say And in this case not only you but myself too along the way I'd never felt this type of sadness 'Til it looked me in the face Cause I remember those nights Body drained, head up in space Knew I had made a mistake, labeled myself a disgrace And started digging a hole I'm still crawling out of today That was a cold end to fall A bitter start to that winter And little did I even know The worst had yet to have begun There was a text in December Not ready to break it off Ran from all communication, our closure was next to none That was just me being dumb Deep down I wasn't either But I'm so damn stubborn, my stupid pride had outwon Afraid to open this back Repeat the cycle again So I gave it some more time And tried and work on myself But you were stronger than me, put yourself back out there I can't expect you to wait around Always knew that was fair It's second half, junior year Always knew that you'd be pursued It was that seven zero days To hear rumblings about this dude First time y'all were together heard through a Venmo request Trace the steps, figured out It'd been going on for a bit There's nothing left in my stomach But guilt and an empty pit I play out in real-time Through a screen in my pocket And I can't even explain the pain I felt in my chest I'd never been so heartsick, the blame was all on myself We all let it ride, I saw you from time to time Like walking back from my classes Or at Quals or at Little 5 But then every other time he was always by your side I knew that something had clicked And I was on the outside I couldn't stop thinking 'bout it, no matter how hard I tried I'd burned the boat and the bridge And strayed myself on the island They say life's better there Oh man, I'm calling bullshit Cause on an island alone, it's just your mind and Wilson I dreamt of Cast Away versions that had an alternate end Still not a sign of expiring, I prayed this was just a stint I can't expect you to know that Can't read a mind like psychic Afraid, I kept to myself Threw up the ignorance, bliss It could've been so easy Zach, why didn't you just say something? Because I have to write a song about it In four years I guess Well you can joke all you want, but you still have to admit You haven't smiled the same way ever since the day that you left It's Summer 2018 Had to stay in Bloomington Always wished I had time for music Got my chance, this was it But every single time I, sat at the keyboard to write My mind was in the wrong place Creative blocks at new heights Knowing that just a few miles North of my South centered head That you were taking on the summer with someone else instead I barely passed all my tests, spent that whole summer in bed 4th of July fireworks solo in my apartment I stayed up late every night My new best friend was named Twitch And that's not even a joke, being completely honest I didn't write any songs, I didn't make any friends I started asking myself Like, how much worse could this get Man look at you, this is rock bottom, can we snap out of this And go get ready for next year A time for you to start fresh There's plenty fish in the sea You'll be alright in the end I tried my best to believe it, put on a mask to pretend So now it's fall of senior year Made a fool out of myself Tried to be someone I'm not, and paid the price with my health And Saturdays I felt broken So broken up over you My pride was raging to compensate Desperation just grew And plus you honestly looked happy Not in me to interfere I think that was the hardest part, when I just had to come to grips That we we're done And I might as well try and have some more fun Cause I blew it, in the end it had nothing to do with music Didn't make up for my character Played for that duration Called it Fall in Bloomington Wish it was an exaggeration That glass floor I created shattered eight months ago And I was so disappointed I never picked up the pieces I was above that. I hate that I couldn't say that no more I didn't know who I was, forget the big metaphor That was identity crisis, the indication was clear Felt like it was just November now it had been a whole year Because I woke up every morning Felt worse than the night before I tried to brush it off but only really made it to four At least by then, there was probably beer bath on ice The feedback loop I tried to hide with Some more liquor and Juuls That would go on for a while, didn't even mention the flight That I kept under my bed To help my sleep every night Man. I just wanted out It's so ironic that I Was miserable during the year they said's the best of your life It's January 21st I still remember the date You asked me how I was doing I let it out, "I'm not great" That week we met for some food, I tried to tell you the truth But only made it halfway Plus you had something to do See, life is funny like that I used to dread simple texts Eighteen months later feels like I'd do anything to just chat Just sit and talk But this life ain't a game There's no resets, no save points And you're just gonna have to deal with that The hardest part was seeing networks that were built over time All of the overlap of people I think liked us 'til I I had to make it 'bout me, and play the victim again Pretend you caused all of my problems When it was my own doing Cause if ever find someone, they won't know any of my friends Can't say the same about him Y'all had some time to sink in Hey Zach, this song is too long If you don't like it, hit skip And go put on some other playlist made by the algorithm Cause man I hated this Like look at all