Song parody of
No Place Like London [2023 Broadway Cast Recording]
by Stephen Sondheim
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I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!
I feel home again
I could hear the city bells
RIng whatever I would do
No, there's no place-
No, there's no place like London
Mr. Todd, sir?
You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn
So Anthony, it is here we go our separate ways
Farewell
I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful nor the young man who saved my life
Alms! Alms!
For a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly morning
Oh thank yer, sir, thank yer
'Ow would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig jig
A little bounce around the bush?
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear
Like you got plenty there to push
Alms! Alms!
For a pitiful woman
Wot's got wanderin' wits-
Hey, don't I know you, mister?
Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you! Off, I say!
Then 'ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?
We'll go jig jig
A little-
Off, I said
To the devil with you!
Alms! Alms!
For a desperate woman
Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her
She was only a half-crazed beggar woman London's full of them
There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London
At the top of the hole
Sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed
I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as Peru
But there's no place like London!
I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!
I feel home again
I could hear the city bells
RIng whatever I would do
No, there's no place-
No, there's no place like London
Mr. Todd, sir?
You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn
So Anthony, it is here we go our separate ways
Farewell
I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful nor the young man who saved my life
Alms! Alms!
For a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly morning
Oh thank yer, sir, thank yer
'Ow would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig jig
A little bounce around the bush?
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear
Like you got plenty there to push
Alms! Alms!
For a pitiful woman
Wot's got wanderin' wits-
Hey, don't I know you, mister?
Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you! Off, I say!
Then 'ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?
We'll go jig jig
A little-
Off, I said
To the devil with you!
Alms! Alms!
For a desperate woman
Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her
She was only a half-crazed beggar woman London's full of them
There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of London
At the top of the hole
Sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed
I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as Peru
But there's no place like London!
