It's A Hit! [1994 Off-Broadway]

Listen to that! Did you listen to that? Do you know what that means? Let me tell you what that means Wait, no Anyone who even thinks it Don't say it You'll jinx it... Listen to that! Will you listen to that? Does that make you feel proud? Well, feel more than just proud Okay, wait, I'll tempt fate And I'll state it out loud: That, unless I miss my guess IsI can't stand it! Listen! Yes That's the sound of A hit! It's a hit! Gang, I think this is it! No more writing clever little shows For those basement saloons No more proclamations from the pros That you "can't hum the tunes" No more sneaking in at intermission To the plays you wish you could afford Or producers having you audition Whenever they're bored And who'll say right away As you play the first chord: "Boys, that's just great. But next time, don't be so clever" It's a hit! It's a hit! You're ahead You should quit No more coaching those sopranos With voices like bees No more secondhand pianos With six broken keys No more agents giving you opinions While they turn you over to their minions Just for these Guarantees We should please Thank the Lord! It's a hit! It's a hit! Will your in-laws just spit! After all of that baloney They've made you go through All that muttering that you're a phony 'Cause what do you do? Will their faces be stony When they see on their Sony Someone handing the phony The Tony Award! I would like to begin by thanking everyone Qho turned down everything I have written... so I could win this It's a hit! Hold it Folks, there's still the reviews left Both the Trib and the News left Early Surly Not a good sign Also, even if there's a chance, folks Let's not forget the advance, folks Not a Lotta Cash, folks Also, even if it's a smash, folks Doesn't that mean we sell out? Well, I hope we sell out! What I mean is "sell out" Well, you know Success is like failure It's how you perceive it It's what you do with it Not how you achieve it And I can't believe it's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a Listen to that! Will you listen to that? Tell me Is that a noise Or is that a noise? That is the noise We've been waiting The whole of our lives to hear! Listen to that! Would you listen to that? Buddy Is that a noise Or is that a noise? Where's the machine? Gotta get it on tape for our wives to hear! Listen to that! Will you listen to that? I can't stand it! Listen to that! That's obscene! Listen to that! Fellas, that is a noise that is really a noise! I can't stand it! Will you Listen to that? Listen to that! Did you listen to that? I can't stand it! Did you listen to that? Listen to that! That's a noise that is really a Listen to that! Will you listen to that? Golly, I can't Stand it! Listen to that! That is the noise I've been waiting my life to hear! Listen to that! Listen to that! Will you Listen to that! Will you listen to that? That's the sound of an audience Losing its mind! It's the Pope on his balcony Blessing mankind! Folks, it's Funny Girl, Fiddler And Dolly combined! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a palpable hit! If it only even runs a minute At least it's a wedge It's the theater and we're really in it Not just on the edge! If your spirits ever need improving You can drop in any night for free! But the thing that's positively moving You could have fooled me Is we're still good friends! Nothing can kill good friends! Where there's a will, good friends Don't need success to survive! And us, good friends What's to discuss, good friends! We've got a surefire genuine Walk-away blockbuster Lines down to Broadway Boffola sensational Box office lalapalooza gargantuan Hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!