Song parody of
Boots Like Emmy Lou's
by Janis Ian
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IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D BE A COUNTRY STAR
WITH RHINESTONES ON MY BVD'S
AND A HUMMINGBIRD GUITAR
I'D BUY MYSELF THE BIGGEST BUS
THAT EVER GRACED THE TRACK
WITH A LOVESEAT FOR THE TWO OF US
AND A SWIMMING POOL IN BACK
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D BE SO VERY RICH
I'D HIRE A DOG TO SCRATCH ME
EVERY TIME I GOT AN ITCH
I'D BUY A THOUSAND CADILLACS
WITH LONGHORNS ON THE FRONT
DRIVE ONE 'TIL THE ASHTRAY FILLED
THEN HAUL IT TO THE DUMP
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
I'D BUY MY CLOTHES FROM NUDIE
HAVE FINGERNAILS LIKE TAMMY
I'D TEASE MY HAIR LIKE DOLLY
AND MEASURE TEN FEET TALL
I'D TEACH THOSE BOOTS TO SING
PLAY FIDDLE ON ONE STRING
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A RING
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D DIE WITHOUT A CARE
FLY STRAIGHT UP TO HEAVEN'S GATE
AND PUSH MY WAY IN THERE
AND WHEN SAINT PETER ASKED ME
WHAT I'D DONE TO BE SO BOLD
I'D POINT DOWN TO MY BOOTS AND SAY
"THEY'RE RECENTLY RESOLED
SO FIT ME FOR A ROBE
WINGS AND HALO TOO
BUT I CANNOT STAY IF YOU TAKE AWAY
MY BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D BE A COUNTRY STAR
WITH RHINESTONES ON MY BVD'S
AND A HUMMINGBIRD GUITAR
I'D BUY MYSELF THE BIGGEST BUS
THAT EVER GRACED THE TRACK
WITH A LOVESEAT FOR THE TWO OF US
AND A SWIMMING POOL IN BACK
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D BE SO VERY RICH
I'D HIRE A DOG TO SCRATCH ME
EVERY TIME I GOT AN ITCH
I'D BUY A THOUSAND CADILLACS
WITH LONGHORNS ON THE FRONT
DRIVE ONE 'TIL THE ASHTRAY FILLED
THEN HAUL IT TO THE DUMP
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
I'D BUY MY CLOTHES FROM NUDIE
HAVE FINGERNAILS LIKE TAMMY
I'D TEASE MY HAIR LIKE DOLLY
AND MEASURE TEN FEET TALL
I'D TEACH THOSE BOOTS TO SING
PLAY FIDDLE ON ONE STRING
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A RING
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D DIE WITHOUT A CARE
FLY STRAIGHT UP TO HEAVEN'S GATE
AND PUSH MY WAY IN THERE
AND WHEN SAINT PETER ASKED ME
WHAT I'D DONE TO BE SO BOLD
I'D POINT DOWN TO MY BOOTS AND SAY
"THEY'RE RECENTLY RESOLED
SO FIT ME FOR A ROBE
WINGS AND HALO TOO
BUT I CANNOT STAY IF YOU TAKE AWAY
MY BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D WEAR MY HAIR LIKE LORETTA USED TO DO
I'D SING LIKE PATSY CLINE
AND KITTY WELLS COMBINED
IF I HAD BOOTS LIKE EMMY LOU'S
I'D NEVER NEED A SHINE
