Star Trip

KWIRK Captain?s log; Stardate: 3.142857--Aw, forget about it! This is Captain Kwirk on the Starship Intercourse. Thrusting its way through space, on another penetrating mission. (?Alleluia? song is playing.) HUNKIE Captain! Captain! What?s that in space ahead? KWIRK Huh? Oh no, it?s another space tricky! Darn this solar system anyway! Nothing but space trickys. Get the phasers on that bird. HUNKIE Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out! KWIRK No, you fool! You?ve leaned on the button! Turn the viewer back on! Now get the phasers on that bird. LOUD VOICE I am an Angel of the Lord! KWIRK (the effects slow down like a record) Yeow! That baked him good! HUNKIE Oh wow, it looks just like Thanksgiving out there! KWIRK Don?t think about it, Lt. Hunkie! HUNKIE I can?t help thinking about it. Last Thanksgiving was rotten. Just that food supplement pill with ?turkey? written on it. It?s not the same, Captain. It?s not the same. KWIRK Turn off the view screen, we?re out here and this is where we are. HUNKIE Why can?t I think about it? I?m an officer, too. KWIRK You?ve got enough to think about, you?ve got a whole dashboard to take care of. SMOCK Captain, have your (?) space turkey has knocked up slightly off course. KWIRK Well, Lemon... SMOCK It?s Leh-meen, sir. KWIRK Now we must get back on course. SMOCK It?s Leh-meen, sir, did you hear me say that? KWIRK Nah--uh--why-yes--uh--uh, Lie-nen, uh, but we must get back on course. SMOCK Yes sir, we must get back on course, do you want to check the reading? KWIRK Aw yes, let me see, the ?quick brown fox.? SMOCK That is the wrong reading, I?ll check this. KWIRK Oh, oh, I see, yah, yes, n-now my communicator. Get me engineering. EUBANGDERE That?s my box, Captain! KWIRK Oh, oh, pardon me, Lt. Eubangdere! Allow me to apologize pro flu slay. EUBANGDERE Just take your hand off my box. SMOCK Captain? KWIRK Yes, Smock? SMOCK May I remind you that since we are traveling at a rate of Walk Factor III, that our collision with that turkey, thirty-eight seconds ago, that has put us 13 billion miles off course. KWIRK Well, good heavens, Smock, why wasn?t I told him this earlier? This is the Captain speaking, connect me with engineering. EUBANGDERE I?m sorry, but that line is busy. KWIRK This is the Captain. Give me engineering. EUBANGDERE I?m sorry, sir, but that line is busy. KWIRK But I have a direct line, I?m the Captain. Operator! Operator! Operator! Did you hear that, Smock? Are my people putting me on? SMOCK I don?t know, sir. As you know I am the Vulgarian and jokes are beyond me. (chuckle) KWIRK Hmmmm...That?s the first time I?ve ever heard him laugh. Hmph! Oh, wait a minute, we must contact engineering. My God, 15 billion miles off course SMOCK 23 billion miles off course now, sir, if my calculations are correct. And they always are. KWIRK This is the Captain speaking. Give me engineering. (The party music is playing. People are chattering.) PARTY GUY Come here, try some of this! PARTY GIRL Would you blow up my balloons? Flash! (Captain Kwirk clears his throat.) PARTY GUY Shhh! Cut it! Everybody be quiet! KWIRK This is the Captain speaking. PARTY GUY (on ?Captain?) Shut up! HUNKIE Who is it? KWIRK It?s the Captain! We?re 23 billion miles off course! SMOCK 29 billion. KWIRK 29 billion----Operator! Operator! EUBANGDERE I?m sorry, sir, but that line is busy, heh! KWIRK Smock, we don?t realize what a mess we?re in 29 billion miles off course. LIMEY (stupid voice) Captain, this is engineering, Lt. Limey speaking. Do you realize we?re 34 billion miles off course? KWIRK Limey, I just called you! What?s going on down there? SMOCK Captain, according to my calculations, we?re 38 billion miles off course. KWIRK Thank you, Smock!!! SMOCK Why are you pinching your eyes together, Captain? It doesn?t help the situation or does it have any physiological effect? Highly illogical behavior. Tsk, tsk, tsk! You?ve heard me. (Kwirk sighs in grief.) LIMEY Captain, where did you go? We?re 45 billion miles off course. KWIRK I?m still here, Limey. Lt. Eubangdere, have the computer compu--course correction coordinates, engineering, curse creation--coor--crea--curs--uuh--engineering standby. LIMEY It?s about time, Captain, by now we must be 52 billion miles off course. They?re traveling faster than lightning. KWIRK Lt. Eubangdere, where are the course readings, eh? Where? Lt. Eubangdere--uh...Where in the hell did she go? HUNKIE She went to church, sir! KWIRK Church!? She can?t be, it?s Tuesday afternoon! HUNKIE It?s her sect, do you know? KWIRK I am aware of her sex, lieutenant! HUNKIE No, no, her sect, her sect, she?s among with a poodle-lay(???) you know Kimiwaukee-too-long(???) KWIRK Ugh! When will it ever end? HUNKIE Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out! KWIRK Lt. Hunkie, if you lean on that button once more, I will have you ejected into hyperspace through the garbage chute!!! Take over the controls, Smock! I?ll find Lt. Eubangdere myself! SMOCK Aye aye, sir! KWIRK Aw, let?s see, where did she go now? SMOCK She?s in the ship?s saps! KWIRK The ship?s what?! SMOCK The chapel, the meditation area. Although I personally find religion highly illogical. KWIRK (sigh) Uhh, I?ll have to take the elevator down. Aw these problems! You see I?m never on this level. Uh, maybe it?s in here. EUBANGDERE Oh my way, oh my way, oh my way... KWIRK You can?t do that in there, this is the broom closet! SMOCK We?re engaged! KWIRK Well, disengaging report back to your stations. Humph! Oh, I must be down the corner to the left. Oh, I?ve got to stop talking to myself. SINGERS Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-teeng-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang! Alive men!(?) KWIRK Uh, but...but where?s Lt. Eubangdere? Chaplan! Chaplan! CHAPLAN There?s a Room 70...??? KWIRK Aaaahh! Oh! That mask, you scared me! I thought this was the act--uh--uh--the chapel! CHAPLAN I?m sorry, I didn?t mean to startle you! Since there?s only one chapel on the Starship Intercourse. I become very indebt as a number of different religious service. KWIRK Oh. CHAPLAN I?m afraid I get quite in mast in my role. Oops, there, I?ve spattered blood all over your tights. KWIRK Yech! CHAPLAN Don?t worry, it?s only pig blood it comes off with a little lemon and salt. You know it?s really wonderful to be a Chaplan in outer space. KWIRK Huh? CHAPLAN Space is so wonderful! So vast! So infant! So religious! I was just thinking the other day when I was doing the terrible complicated Flip-Ziggy(??) services for the worshipers from Zakaan?s... KWIRK Zakaan?s... CHAPLAN Oh! Which reminds me, Captain, that is a mind of extremely important so of which I must speak to you. KWIRK Huh? CHAPLAN It is the matter of the psychic moral of the ship... KWIRK Who? CHAPLAN Many of the mystic men. How do Americans say it? The little people? KWIRK Huh? CHAPLAN Or undergoing a great deal of strange...implants(???) are ruining about the ship. Some of the men are saying that the dietician is putting the salt Peter in the food supplement tablets. KWIRK Mmmm... CHAPLAN Then, there is the problem of beaming down. KWIRK Huh? CHAPLAN The mystic men feel that it does not fear that only officers get to leave the ship. KWIRK Huh? CHAPLAN There as they put it, going stir crazy acquainted, don?t you agree? KWIRK Uh-uh. CHAPLAN I even just alone to go dirty religious service, I overheard a room out to the effect. The ship is over 125 billion miles off course. KWIRK It is? CHAPLAN It is. Isn?t that wonderful? Space is so vast! There are so many possibilities. KWIRK Chaplan, this is an emergency! I-I-I must speak with Lt. Eubangdere!