If You Were Gay

(spoken) ROD Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this? NICKY Oh, hi Rod! ROD Hi Nicky. NICKY Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me -- ROD That's very interesting. NICKY He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay! ROD Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today? NICKY Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod... ROD I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some Gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read. NICKY Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's Something we should be able to talk about. ROD I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!! NICKY Yeah, but... ROD Over!!! NICKY Well, okay, but just so you know -- (sung) If you were gay That'd be okay. I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, If it were me, I would feel free To say that I was gay (but I'm not gay). ROD Nicky, please! I am trying to read... What?! NICKY If you were queer I'd still be here, Year after year Because you're dear To me. And I know that you Would accept me too, If I told you today "Hey! Guess what, I'm gay!" (But I'm not gay) I'm happy Just being with you. So what should it Matter to me What you do in bed With guys? ROD Nicky, that's GROSS! NICKY No, it's not! If you were gay I'd shout hooray! And here I'd stay, But I wouldn't get In your way. You can count on me To always be Beside you every day, To tell you it's okay, You were just born That way, And, as they say, It's in your DNA, You're gay! ROD But I'm not gay! NICKY If you WERE gay. ROD Argh!