Isn't It Beautiful?

McCaffertyMcCafferty 

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McCafferty

"McCafferty" is an Irish ballad which originated as a street-ballad about Patrick McCaffrey, executed in 1862 for the killing of two of his officers. It is particularly popular in Ireland, where McCaffrey came from, and was recorded by The Dubliners. In the British army it was believed that to sing the song was a chargeable offence, but that is legend.The song is set to the traditional Irish tune "Cailín Óg a Stór", which is the same melody used for "The Croppy Boy". more »

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We were all at Matt’s house in the basement hanging out and gettin drunk 

We took the blood from both our fingers and we pressed it on our tongues 

We’re in the forest with the trees 

And this is so much history 

Well what about my history? 

Coward

She said that I cannot identify with a band unless I know everything about their lead singer.

What does he look like? What are his motives? 

She said that he hates her

She said that he hit her 

And I will be the first to admit there is something wrong inside of my brain 

My bipolar makes me feel foggy and I am developmentally delayed 

And sometimes I lash out and I hit like a child who was taught not to hit 

But I know better than that so I’ve been in rehabilitation and therapy 

It’s hard for me to feel like I’m growing when I read all of these things online 

But I know maturity is the journey, and hail Satan I have arrived 

 I let my mental illness define the last 10 years of my life, in social circles that were bad for me acting out and fighting online 

I hate when people say they have mental illness but they still know how to act, I think they think they can fool you with bravery and judgment in fact

I am happy that all of my personal struggles have been aired out for you all to see, because the choice to accept mental illness is no longer just up to me 

It is up to you to see what I’ve done 

Under the microscope my entire life

Narcissistic mentally when I see people come in and try to define 

My complicated spirit and my complicated soul 

I am mentally unwell but like you all I have a soul 

And I am not the person that they say I am but those parts of me exist, 

They are toxic 

They are evil 

I’m disgusted just like him 

And I abused my medication 

And I lied and said I’m fine  

But I was angry saying fa***ot behind closed doors and online 

And I could talk about the suicide attempts I’ve had since everything went up

And the 4 weeks I spent hospitalized but you would tell me it’s not enough 

So what exactly is enough? How much hate does it take to fix 

An abusers mental state and mind to make sure at the same time that he gets his 

And we all talk about accountability but what that looks like individually so let me own up right now and say that I take full accountability 

For being toxic and abusive and misleading with my life and for anger that we pray for when I cry for you at night 

And you know you don’t forgive 

And I know you won’t forget 

And I’m glad you all feel better for the things that you all said 

And I am sorry for the pain 

And the things that I have said 

And the people that I threatened 

I still wish that I was dead 

And if I had a normal brain than everything would be okay 

But I don't



I'm writing this letter to apologize to everyone I hurt, I wish I could take back the things I have said and done but I am unable. I found out recently that I have BPD, and that doesn't excuse my actions, but it's quite the opposite. I am ashamed at my lack of maturity to follow through with doctors and medication and lied when I said I was on a path to recovery. I was actually on a downward spiral abusing Xanax and those who were close to me. And those people from Medina know I'm mentally ill, but they set the precedence that I was not, which is my fault. I know that the best thing for my family and my future is to step away from music and the public eye. I had this sickening drive to succeed and I was insanely jealous of bands like The Front Bottoms, but that's the 18 year-old that I never grew out of being, so let me now transition into being an adult. 

I am now speaking to my daughter and my wife. I want you to know how beautiful you are and how I lay awake at night, studying on how I can be a better man, and separate myself from the things that are bad for me. And I love you both more than autumn loves fall leaves. And I love the idea of leaving McCafferty behind and that's exactly what I'm doing right here and right now. There are many lessons I have learned from my journey when I look back at it, but those lessons take time and pain to set in. I am sorry to everyone for my lack of social cues and making people uncomfortable and I want to thank everyone who has listened. If you are someone with a past you regret, let these words be your safe place.

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