Late Train

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Croydon Tourist Office

4:34

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Well I'll just stand here like a lemon then shall I
Where's that train you promised me
I'd really like to be on it
I got places I need to get to
And here is not one of them

Any old train will do
Any old daffa chaffa diesel puffer
Any old sad sack terribly slack single track clickity clack
Send a choo choo through without much ado
Where's my train

I know it's in your jurisdiction
It's really not an imposition
Your timetable should win the Booker Prize
Because it's a work of fiction
Just send me a train

I won't name and shame your company
But your trains head west
And your website calls you great
And the info screen says you're late
So that means
You're great
And western
And a railway

I phoned the customer helpline
They said
What's your login details
What's your ticket type
Now dance for us fat boy
Dance for us
Bark like a dog
Woof
Woof
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
These calls may be recorded for training purposes

Trains that are meant to be in
After my train
Are arriving before it
How is that even possible
Did they fly over the top of my train
Are they magic trains
Zig zagging through the air like drunken dragons

I whistle
Kick my heels
I sip my bottled water
You know
Like they do in films

Is there a fault on the train
Are there operational difficulties
Has the buffet car run out of casseroles
Is there a weasel on the line
Is there some pervy bloke pleasuring himself in the vestibule
Has the driver's head exploded
Because he's been reading Will Self again
Has the train manager got struck by lightning
Mind you
He is a conductor

Whatever it is
You're keeping it to yourself
Just like you've done with the train
The one that should be here
The one that I should be on
But hey
Stiff upper lip and all that

Oh why me
I just want my train
It's driving me insane
I'll change my life
I'll never be the same again
I'll be nicer
Kinder
Ever so emotive
Just send along that locomotive
Where oh where oh where's the bloody train

Oh here it comes now
Looks kind of like a drunken hippopotamus
Shuffle shuffle
Shuffle shuffle
Take your time love

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