Dear Dad

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Morelys Urbano

5:21

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Spanish

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Dear Dad
I'm dedicating my first April letter to you
I have twenty years to tell you
I hope my words find you at your best
Unprepared and ready to blame yourself for the emotional waste you took with you upon your leaving
Sorry, I haven't introduced myself
Here is the six-year-old girl and the twenty-year-old woman
Please make yourself comfortable
I have been folding my tongue underneath itself for way too long
And if there's something I did not inherit from you, was cowardly
In twenty Januarys without you, I learned to ride a bike
I bought my first lipstick
I fell in love for the first time
And got my heart broken for the second (time)
You, of course, marked the first one
I have repeated you in my soul over and over for
twenty years
I offered my heart a vague image of what I wished to create of you
Abstractly dreaming of your presence to avoid the anger that your absence left in my life
I went to college and fell in love with men with the same emotional pattern of abandoning me in the middle of loving
You set a poor standard of what to expect when receiving
And I desperately sought your absence in my youth
Making mistakes
Avoiding the affection of those whose intentions cared enough to love me right
But begging for withered fondness to everything with a slight resemblance to you
Despite all my heartbreaks, you marked the one that hurt me the most
And like a coward, I cuddled my feelings in poems
I dedicated thousands of them to you
Trying to resuscitate your presence in my life, and inconsolably failing my soul in every attempt
A refugee in the arms of a foreign reality that hurts too much to face it
And so, I hid it in the wagon of melancholy for as long as I could
And I made everything out of nothing
In sheer desperation
I looked for you on the last page of my books
In old lovers
And absent letters
Trying to find a home just for you to shut the door on me
By the time I grew up and became a woman, my soul was already too broken to forgive you
I have wandered for years, thirsty to know about your abstract persona
And you only offered me deserts of emotional falsehood
Low absences
And always latent to the concept that you were never willing to love me
That's why I hated myself for so long because I assumed that maybe, in an alternate reality, something in me hurt you enough to leave and not come back
To choose me as your responsibility and then play the irresponsible
I admire your evil skills of half-loving me and lying with grudges
Like a marathon, you ran away from my need to feel loved
No matter how broken you have been in the past
Trying to heal your wounds, I bled my heart out
And I hated you for making me feel guilty for loving you
I hated you for being the protagonist of my love stories and the villain at the same time
I hated you for uselessly inviting me to run the race and letting go of my hand past the first fifty meters— hoping that I could successfully complete the rest alone
But, in a fair attempt with myself, I have been waiting for you
With a broken soul and an open heart–ready to forgive
I have stopped dreaming of you in the spring and mourning you in the winter
I've saved my tears for your last goodbye
Sitting behind the slamming door that separated our lives
And unnecessarily calming fears of failing once more
I have been crying out to the version of yourself that you never dared to face
The reflection of your actions in the only person capable of blaming you for the permanent damage for which perhaps, in another hundred years, might be forgiven
Your daughter writes to you; the one with the heart turned to ashes
Incapable of loving again

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