A Longing for the Mind, the Body and Soul

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Viaska

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Today I woke up wanting to kill myself
It's nothing new as a thought nor something worth worrying about
It's the same constant cycle of longing for death
I love her sweet compassion and her knowing she's there

No matter where I lie, what to think or say
She calms my joys and worries with a yearning despair
What feels like this apparition of what I call life
I sit on my chair and wait the next day

Wasting the days with the same form of anxiety in different clothing
I can't wait to see you in the end and I wish that you were left
What am I supposed to do when I'm living in this state of mind
How am I meant to control my being if I can't speak for myself

I pray that one day I strive to better the crowd
And yet I stand to hate the forces that drive my effervescent mind
In which I live to breed with the sins of my past
In which I confide with the realism of hateful retention
And where I live in this world with social disorders

I'm a deer lamb lost, borrowed on a narcissistic mind
I'm a dependent narcotic requesting attention and love
A civilized attention whore that's a slut for your mind
Why can't I be a decent and average human being
Why can't I stop being too much and leave your sanity be

Every day I live with the slightest concern bloated into a tremendous situation
Where my problems corrode onto the feet of your path
And so where I live to see life for myself
I only turn to hurt yourself and the thought of hurting you bloats my concern

And so the cycle of Viaska continues
To stand by this mic to deliver exposition is my way of giving up to the world

I only stand here because I want attention for my catharsis

I want to learn how to love you and keep things to myself
I want to learn to spend moments with you rather than counting till death
I want to wait and be patient and learn that you'll always come back
I'll do what you cry, just please listen, I'm sorry

I know that I'm awful but I promise I'll do better
I know I'm too much but I promise I'll do better
I know I'm too much but I promise to shut it
I know that I'm low but I promise I'll live

Dear god, I am so unstable but I promise I'll change

No more waiting for time to pass until morning
No more praying for moments of sacrificial investment
Where I'll tear up my eyes and plunge a knife to thine heart
And rip out my lungs and cry for its un-stakable death
And fall to my knees to bleed onto my floor

And there you'll cry praise of what a life of a good person
You'll never be empty as long as you're loved
As long as you're willing
As long as we're here
To stand on stand by your side

These are the broken promises I leave to the unforeign crowd
I know I can't change, not for you or for myself
It's a part of the symptom
Knowing that I can never change
And be destined to be forever trapped in the motions
Of a self-afflicting
Self-destruction

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