Where is Jesus

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Matt Hammer

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Imagine your heart were to stop beating
And you no longer could control your breathing
Pain in your chest, erratic pulse, blood pressure drops low
With a few minutes left of control you
You cry out for help
Dial 911 then pass out

Friday night, goin out was the highlight
Weight lifted
Mind shifted
Drifted away with the boys, vodka and pretty women

I'd set my sights
Look at the bar, focused on hittin my marks
A shark, ready to slay
Crushed the game cause I knew all the ways to play
What to say
How to sell and bring home gold for myself

Satisfaction stayed until morning
Hungover, habit forming, on to the next
Whatever impressed until we got undressed
Rinse, repeat that's what mattered to me
Leave the scene I was running from anxiety
As long as I kept running it wouldn't creep in
I had to keep using
I wasn't abusing
At least I didn't think so

I was depressed, in repressed anguish, possessed
Concealed feelings were my language
I let no one in
It's my life and this is how I'm gonna live
Bloodshot eyes, disguised, outside you couldn't tell
Inside it was hell

Cocaine helped; pain remained
Would've been easier to put a bullet in my brain
Insane an understatement, mundane impossible to attain
Hopeless by day tormented by night
Always a fight, playin repetitive traumatic memories burned in my mind
Indefinite desolation, just wanted to escape it
I wish I could change it, so I medicated

God
If you're real, show me
I am on my last limb I hear voices say Get the gun out
Load two bullets in, it'll be quick
One in the heart, one in the head, pull the trigger
Release the lead
It'll be easier if you're dead

Get a call my friends,
"yo let's go out again"
"I'm in"
Got ready with my routine but this time a little differently
Needed a little extra, miserable week
Shots, percs and zans ready
They helped me
I deserved it, managed the week and it was worth it

Bout to leave my space, started feelin it
Spinnin, lil too quick
Things out of place
Looked in the mirror couldn't see my face

Body shaking
Lights fading
Needed a way out
Everything blurred and slowed down
Felt my heart was about to stop beating
I started freaking
Barely breathing, sweat poured out
I gotta leave this house

Cold
Clammy
Eyes heavy
Few seconds left pulled out my cell from my chest dialed 911
Unable to speak
Whispered "God, Please help me"
Passed out
I thought I was dead

Until I opened my eyes in a hospital bed
There was a man sitting by my side saying
"Everything's gonna be alright"
I didn't know him but seemed like he knew me
Said he was happy to be there for me
He took a different way home that night
And saw a body lying under a light

Carried me into his car and rushed me to the hospital
Told the doctor it was critical
Provided advanced life support
The narcan didn't work
CPR, AED, bag valve mask effectively
Brought me back from the OD

Laying there in reflection
"How can I be an exception?"
Handed me my phone saying "you should call someone you know"
Opened it, noticing 911 never sent
Then I saw a cross on his neck

So a man I didn't know, saved my life
A blessing or an angel in disguise
Then I started to cry
Cause God never left my side
And that's when I realized
Jesus is ALIVE

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