Romeo Swipes Right Or: The Intersection Of Childhood Trauma, An Overthinking Self-Proclaimed Master Poet, And Internet Dating (feat. Nic Gaumond & Philippe Macnab-Séguin)

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Greetings From The Hole

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Greetings From The Hole

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So, I swiped right, and she swiped right
Laura
Shit, this is for real I've got to write something now
Don't be a dork this time
Where's that book?

First tip: "Remember your positive qualities"
What positive qualities?
I have tons, like
If I were a medieval woman men would find my fair complexion stunning
Also, I rarely think of killing other people

Well in elementary school that kid Britney punched me in the face, and I wanted to kill her
Can't believe I got up and decked her ass and I'm the one who got in trouble
Fucking Britney
I hope she's miserable and alone
Laura
Oh right, Laura

What do I write?
Uh, hey, hi, hello
DTF?
Wait, no
Maybe she's an INTJ
Who cares
You're better off alone

Yeah look at her
I bet she only wants bedtime benefits, or attention
Or free meals!

She's pretty enough that she could get away with it
She'd make them feel special for a couple hours and stick them with the bill
Ha! She won't get me though, no sir-ee, I'm no scrub, I see you coming from a mile away, Laura
Here she comes
Huh
She sent me a message
She said "hey"
SHE SAID HEY

She's perfect!
I can see it now: we'll live together in a house surrounded by a giant forest
And no one will ever bother us again
I can write my poetry, and she can make her lucrative yoga videos
She knows it's only a matter of time before my poetry becomes financially viable
So she supports me for now
She'll get jealous though, because my poetry is a great contribution to humanity
Unlike fucking yoga

She'll try to stick it to me though
And I'll come home one day and catch her sticking it to another man
But it's not another man
It's that bitch that punched me in the face
Fucking Britney

Kill them, you're better off alone

I lure them with my naked body out into the woods, and I kill them
I have no choice
No one will ever find the bodies, because we live in the woods
All the f*ck alone
As I put the shovel down, someone comes through the trees
It's Britney's mom
I play it casual, maybe she won't notice
She says
"Your contribution to humanity has been so great, I'll make sure the world knows about you"

Oh so I see you've read my poetry
What, might I ask, was your favourite couplet?
Hey where are you going?

The next day I get a phone call,
"Jerry, this is the Queen of England, and I've been told you've made a great contribution to humanity
How can I reward you?"
Of course, I say
"Madame the Queen, I want my poetry thrust upon the masses!"
And she says
"Why yes of course we can do that
But I'll also give you lots of money and a giant yacht with as many girls on it as you want
Bring a bathing suit"

She's about to hang up
Assert yourself
"Ah, your Royal Highness
If you could please change that to a yacht with a large forest around it
And no girls, that would suit me better
Much better"
"Did you say, "No girls"?"
"That's right, no girls!"
"How about dudes then?"
"No guys, no girls"
"What kind of a poet doesn't want guys or girls?"
"The greatest poet who has ever lived, you stupid twat!"

Shit! If the Queen doesn't supply me with girls, I'll have to find one on my own
Gotta call her back

Your call matters to us
Please hold for the queen
If you're calling about erectile dysfunction, please stop
We don't
"Yes?"
"Madame the Queen?
I changed my mind about the girls
I want them
As many as you can spare, in fact"

"Killing Britney was a pretty great contribution to humanity, but Prince Charles asked for them already"
"What?
I thought you were rewarding me for my poetic contributions!"
"Hahaha, that's a good one!"
"How the f*ck am I supposed to get a girl now?"
I've always told you, Jerry, you'd be better off alone