A Boy Named Snommit

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Elastic No-No Band

Elastic No-No Band was a musical group based in New York City's anti-folk scene. Started in the mid-2000s, the band's name was initially just a pseudonym for its leader and main songwriter, Justin Remer. After 2005, Elastic No-No Band's line-up also included pianist Herb Scher and multi-instrumentalist Preston Spurlock. In 2005 and 2006, the band would perform sporadically with Clint Scheibner, who would play a bass drum attached to his chest, as though he were in a marching band. In 2007, the band added drummer Doug Johnson (who plays a standard drum kit) as a regular member. During the recording sessions for the band's 2010 album, Fustercluck!!!, electric guitarist John Mulcahy was also added. more »

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Well, once upon a time there was a boy named Steve
He had a weird old habit that's hard to believe
He'd change nouns into verbs, adjectives too
So if you told him, "I'm happy," he'd say, "I'll happy you"
Well his gal Evelyn told him this one day
But she chose to say "happy" in a more special way
She said, "Hon, I feel merry," and what did Steve do?
Before he knew what he meant, he said, "I'll marry you"
Now, they've been hitched for some years, all happy and merry
Singing karaoke all the time, like they was two canaries
Working jobs they don't like, because that's what you do
She'd say, "Go back to school, Steve," he'd say, "I'll school you
Fool"
I'll school you, fool
But Steve did as she said, and piece by piece
His total college credits began to increase
He also wanted them to move to Canada too
And those Canucks don't want you if you're dumb as a shoe
Of course, everybody knows college don't make you smart
So just suspend disbelief when it comes to that part
Point is, it all comes down to a little piece of paper
That can help or hinder their Canadian caper
And otherwise, life just went how it goes
That's the most you expect from Toledo, Ohio
So it's not all that shocking, you'd think you'd have a clue
When Evelyn told Steve, "Babe, I have some news"
Babe, I have some news
"We're gonna have a baby, and we're not gonna cheat it
And before you even ask, no you don't get to eat it
We'll be cool and raise it right, for whatever that's worth, hey
And it's due in December, so it might share your birthday"
"That's great," said Steve, "someone else will know the joy
Of a birthday near Christmas and getting screwed out of toys
By having two days of presents squeezed tight into one
And then having to pretend that that's just as much fun
But, Evelyn, that's great, we gotta figure what to call it
Gotta get a folding picture holder for inside my wallet"
She said, "We'll pick out names, for either way that it could go
Girl or boy, X or Y, I don't want to know"
I don't want to know
But despite what you hope for, secrets like to spread
Like some marmite with butter on a toasted hunk of bread
You can close your eyes and ears, but you can't keep out the world
Especially when your doctor knows your baby's not a girl
So they hunted for some names you could stick upon a male
Got all the baby name books the library would avail
Tom and Jerry, Barry, Larry, Harry, Terry, Al and Fred
Were eliminated first, off the top of their heads
Steve offered Wolverine, but Evelyn glared and turned it down
Then she offered back Marcus, which caused Steve to frown
He said, "How about Kevin or Jaymewes or Walt?
Or Mosier or Affleck or?" Then she said, "Halt!"
She said to him
"Do you want this child to be a laughingstock?
Do you want this child to grow up sad?
Do you want this child to grow up feeling incomplete
Because his mother had to kill his dad?"
And he said
"No, I don't, I guess those are stupid names
And I guess your hormones are kicking up
Which for me is quite a shame
I guess I'll be more careful
And pick names that won't make you vomit
But how about we call a truce right now
And in the meanwhile just call the boy Snommit?"
You see, way back in high school, what we call "back in the day"
The teachers would get lazy, and they'd let the students play
So kids would sit around, kill some time, and shoot the breeze
With lines from the Simpsons and bubble-y philosophies
When the subject comes up, words that go either way
Like "eye," "noon," or "boob," palindromes, you might say
"Too bad, I hid a boot" is a sentence someone did
Then the topic turns to palindromic ways to name a kid
You see for me, it'd be real simple, just call it "Remer Remer Remer"
My last name is a palindrome, so that's solid as a femur
But when your last name is Timmons, like Steve's family name
Then the middle name is "Racecar" and the first name has to be
Well, Snommit
Well, Snommit
So that's what Steve remembered when he said to his love
"Let's call the boy Snommit," as a peace-offering dove
And she smiled and chuckled, but then changed with a start
She got a troubled look that grabbed hold of Steve's heart
He said, "What the matter, sweets? Did you feel the baby kick?
Or do you feel like you should go to the john and be sick?"
She said, "An unsettling feeling just shot through me like a comet
'Cause there ain't no way we can name the boy Snommit"
"Well, I know," said Steve, "I didn't mean the name for keeps
Although it would be a Zappa-type move, which could be kind of sweet"
"No, no," she replied, as her cheeks got faintly red
How could she have married a guy who doesn't get what she says?
He doesn't get what she says
"Your last name is Timmons, we both know this is true
But I didn't take your name when I married you
And while you were extremely generous in providing the sperm
I'm the one with the eggs who has to carry him to term
And if you think I'll let you get away with taking sole credit
You'd better think again, 'cause I am not gonna let it
So he gets both our last names, and by that same token
Snommit-hyphen-Yrrehc is how his name should be spoken"
You see, Evelyn's last name is Cherry, which is easy to say
But it comes out far less tasty the backwards way
Steve suddenly felt stuck, like a shelled-in peanut
After all, it's just a joke, but does she really mean it?
Does she really mean it?
"I don't know," he said, "that just sounds kinda bad
And I'm not trying to inflate my role as the dad
I was just trying to plaster a smile on your puss
But Snommit-Yrrehc is just getting ridiculous"
"Oh when I have an opinion, it just gets shot down"
Interrupted Evelyn, with an increasing frown
"But Snommit Racecar Timmons has such a nice flow
Snommit-Yrrehc Racecar Cherry-Timmons has none, you know"
"That's it, I'm gone, go to Canada alone
Enjoy the local wildlife, 'cause this bird has flown!"
"Evelyn, don't leave, without you I'm lacking"
"What was that? I can't hear, I'm in the bedroom packing"
"Wait! I'll come up with a name for the boy
A real one this time that we both can enjoy"
He envisioned himself a gross abandoned carcass
And he shouted to the bedroom, "Hey, what about Marcus?"
"You turned that one down, so don't play that with me
And I hope you don't mind if I take the View Askew jersey"
This was too much, he tried to stop her and stall off her
Attempts to leave with, "How about Oliver?"
She stopped
She came out to look at him
"What did you say?" she asked
"We could call him Oliver
Nickname him Ollie"
"Huh
Well, I'll think about it"
And she put back her stuff, and she put back his
And they were returned to the wedded bliss
Months and months passed, and December came
Along with Steve's birthday, like each year, the same
Then a few days before Christmas, as they had been warned
A different and new child was born
And the proud parents' joy was beyond believin'
As they named the little one Oliver Stephen
The end

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