Traumatic Blessing

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Okay
I think I still love my ex
This ain't a confession to green texts
Just a coming to grips with a mess
I haven't heard from her in months and years
And I don't plan to ever again
I wish her all the best
And the best for my ears
I'm trying to be sincere
I got all these tears laid up
And they getting knocked down by my fears
I smear them and move on that's how I was raised
But I fear that if I stay here I'll just stay afraid

I can't lie to you, I
I can't lie to you
I'm broken

I'm pouring, I'm pouring, I'm pouring My liquor inside my eyes
I'm praying, oh I'm praying that it don't burn this much next time
i'm living for myself tonight

I was new to this love game
And so was she
She only kissed one man
And that's only cuz she was too nervous to kiss me
Could've got there earlier but I didn't
But it still played to my ego it didn't really make a difference
I was deranged without suspicion
When I got in the temple I was winning
Got all the treasure, prizes, menthol I was addicted
Without any conviction
Robbery in broad daylight
Snobbery got me all the way right
Pride, gotta Get out the way right now
My Hyde showed more when push comes to shove
Not my true colours
But I had blue and green tints gushing from my red blood
Nothing feels better than to feel true love
Until that love stops feeling enough
Love really is a drug
I think im in love with my ex
But I think I was in love with the sex
I was stressed
I was blessed
Any reason to see you undressed
I was astonished at your beauty
But I pimped that butterfly
Whenever it would suit me
And that guilt made me wanna shoot me
Bitter if my dick got blue
I was dying of thirst
We were constantly crying together too
But I always came first
When I left I said I choose me
When the whole time I chose her loosely
Asking questions like who's me

I'm pouring, I'm pouring, I'm pouring My liquor inside my eyes
I'm praying, oh I'm praying that it don't burn this much next time
i'm living for myself tonight

When push came to shove, I left It as it was
Sick of the noise and intensity this type of love was too much
I was Tired and vacant
I needed a vacation
But I left too early and had no money to stay adjacent
A void remained
Desperation played my emotions
Pornhub stimulated but loneliness motivated my motions
So If anyone wanted me you know they had me
So
You know they had me
Loved up again in hurt
Forced myself to move on
Thinking I'd get my groove on
But they weren't her
But the longer I stayed the more dirt I had on my shoulder
But I had the courage to throw away the boulder
This is Sisyphus' problem
I was stuck on this hill
Fuckin to fill a hole
This hole seems to be solved
But apparently I live with moles
This girl wasn't my type
Lockdown got me down locked
Blocked and eventually got her knocked up
That's when I clocked up, and stopped
But I didn't
I just got angry, kept fucking relentless
I was again addicted
What was meant for us?
I was 17 and I felt I was meant to rust
All my plans fell to dust
All because we met to bust
I wanted love and I got it
But I didn't reciprocate it
I think that's rather ironic
I'm gonna drink without the tonic
Vodka n more shots
Spotchka mandalore watching
Anything to get me away
From more something
Would've killed myself if I wasn't scared to see god
Judgement on my soul, sanity got me lost
Was I a product of my intake
Or was I supposed to be this way
I don't know but I like to think I had a good heart
Misunderstood the art of people
Cuz I doodled, stribbled on them and restarted when disheartened
People are the canvas of me
The way i treat them shows the reflection of me
But maybe god would've killed me already
But I ask
Why did he make me?
But I digress

I'm pouring, I'm pouring, I'm pouring
My liquor inside my eyes
I'm praying, oh I'm praying that it don't burn this much next time
I'm living for myself tonight

Got a baby on the way, Life on distortion
Not ready or stable
Regrettably praying for an abortion
Hoping she'll be able
But once again I was forcing
I was so scared I was waiting and escaping an orphan
Again, I fell onto childish habits
I was scared I couldn't fight for a life that's wild n lavish
Dignity seemed famished
Family rabid, manic and cannot have it
Embarrassed, and managed to get my pride and stabbed at it
Forever still mad at it
Would've left to Manhattan if I was good at planning
Would've gone van Staten if I didn't have a plan in action
But obviously, the plan was for me
This is my life, my goals, I get one
None redone, I live for fun
Autism kept from thinkin any different
Excuses excuses
The plan was that
No chance im changing
Not for kids
Stuck in my key
Gotta change for the lock
But shit just give me a minute please

Your Loss
Your Loss

Nearly 2 years later you could say I owe a couple favours
Fruits of my labour has grown
And fatherhood has been a saviour
My love for life has shown mercy
Been given love, given it back
n vice versa
But I lost it, in search of my purpose,
I rotting inside that cell
I went blind
Another attempted murder
But I guess you already heard that earlier
On track 5
My mind has been on my mind
For the kindness of my child
My mind's been on my work
It's blue,
But I hope she don't think I've been exiled
My daughter is nearly 2
Used to be scared to play the fool
But my family changed me to eco
And now she's my fuel
I used to be so selfish, I knew it too
It's hard to understand
I'm not the only man on the moon
More of a crab on the dune
I was working my 12 to 12 job
Earning for uni
Ordinary day on the bar
Till I saw my ex hop out her boyfriends car
She had no nine inch nails
But I was feeling all johnny cash
I dunno what could've been worse
But it seemed to me i was in search
Cuz I served her
Unlike i used to
Nerves strangled my heart
But during her stay
The grip lightened
As I reminisced about how I got to this point enlightened
My story didn't start with her
But this love was birth out of hurt
And was the catalyst for growing
Fists in the air I'm throwing
With comfort of knowing
My God is truly showing
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate the gift when I was given
But i now understand the mission
I hope all is forgiven
If my ex didn't kill me with stress
My baby wouldn't be right here right now hugging me to death
This butterfly effected me straight from the cocoon
But it's bold of me to assume every Journey ends so soon
So that's why i still love my ex
It's a deeper thought and expression
It was a lesson cuz i was caught
without any idea of protection
Is it selfishness or helplessness
The fact still remains
This traumatic blessing
Has kept me in frame

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