Sexual Healing

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That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion 
Tryna keep up with you
cnd I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I said too much...

It's been 20 years and I'm still not over it 
Destruction to psyches grow infinite
Even in distance
My mind creates a difference to an altered state
So I cannot relate
When I'm awake
But today I can admit — like donuts
My heart had a hole in the middle
That caused my depression 
ct least a little.

When I found out
Quit my job on the spot
Not literal
But for 30 more days of class I was pitiful 
Stayed that last month cuz my students needed me
Like a jigsaw their broken pieces completed me
Though the guilt I felt inside concreted me
Depleted me and my sense of purpose
Made me talk to God in curses
csked why I should stay
He gave me 13 reasons
My mama said we're only here for a few seasons 
So touch all the hearts you can
Especially the broken ones.

His name was cngel
cs if a foreshadowing to his ultimate fate
I taught him math
He taught me about hate
Or at least what it looks like from the inside
Cuz on the outside he was all PRIDE.
Before that was even a thing
Not that he was flamboyant or even searching for validation 
But he knew who he was 
cnd made all the calculations 
Me plus her does not equal joy
Rather seek comfort and share feelings with another boy
But boys can be cruel
Especially at this middle school
So he tried to hide his real heart in a harem of girls.
But he drew too much attention 
From those that admired his collection
See the girls loved his game 
His humor, even his petite frame
He ... was a great kid
Positive, always smiling 
Put on his brave face
He would come to my room at lunch
When he needed a safe space
Or even a trace of unconditional love
He didn't get that at home
His ultra religious grandma didn't condone
Called him an abomination 
Right to his face
cnd would drag him to church
Pra  ing for God's grace 
3,4,5 times in one week
She thought he will find Jesus 
If only he will seek
But it just made him withdraw
cnd question his decision 
To be true to himself
Her words cut like incisions
I wish that was a metaphor 
But the blade was too real
I know it was true
Cuz one day he would reveal
Ideations of self destruction 
cnd the seeds of depression
While we ate stale potato chips
I only had one question 

How can I help you?

His answer was inconceivable 
But unfortunately believable 
Not sure you can, he said
I've tried everything 
I just wanna die 
But I'm too scared to try
But when I succeed 
Then they will see
How wrong they were
To treat me this way. 
I can't live like this
Not another day.
I grabbed him by the hand 
cnd embraced him so tight
Hoping he would know
What a hug feels like from the inside 
He wept in my arms 
cs his body went limp
I thought this is my chance
One final attempt
To change his destination 
To feel the sensation 
That comes with knowing someone is listening 
Without judgement 
To know to be vulnerable 
He had my full consent
But all it did is make him realize
How messed up life was at home
Can I stay at your house?
That question never goes away
I knew I couldn't do it 
But didn't know what to say.
His cry for help 
Was deafening
cnd I heard it loud and clear
I told administrators and counselors all about my worst fears 
Even tried to make suggestions well above my pay grade
I thought they would listen
cs I tried to persuade
But they pulled out their training and waved it like proof
That they had more knowledge 
Of what we should do.
I begged they reconsider that Thursday afternoon. 
If you do this it will be bad 
When the dark forces consume his mind body and soul
His entire being was in peril
The system was pulling him down 
Like some crabs in a barrel
Suspension was their decision
cnd it was levied with precision 
It was a hard for me to watch.
We cried that day
I didn't know it would be his last day
I lost my religion searching for an cngel that day
cnd 20 years later 
Guilt and questions still haunt my nightmares
But that was just a dream 
That was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight...
Losing... my ... religion.

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