leaving yourself alone

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Katie Bronwyn

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Ever since that moment you first opened your eyes and cried, you were ushered to calm down
Sadness could be combatted by ice cream, or friends, or video games, or work, or alcohol
or sleep
Any negative feeling was met with a distraction, a mechanism, an immediate solution
Sometimes you engage in another activity, and find those feelings vanished upon your
mental return to them
But I think that most of the time, these feelings go unfelt to their full extent
The color shade that washes over us is often a question we sweep under our ugly living room rug
To be brought up once, we've returned from our mental break outside
But a lot of these colors remain nameless, as we never end up coming back to them
After a while, it gets to a point where it can feel like too much work to lift the carpet and have a look underneath it
It can become overwhelming to even consider the number of colors we have put off naming
I think that eventually, all of these little drops of colorless ink add up
This is where we find that sometimes, the tiny glass jar inside us reaches its breaking point
Distracting myself immediately from the uncomfortableness of feeling has become a knee-jerk reaction
It's so ingrained in me, I'm unaware of how often I do it
I've realized that not allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling and to process this sadness
Is a lot like leaving myself alone
You turn away from those miserable parts of yourself because you don't have the time or
energy to face them
You never seem to
I don't even think most people know how to name their colors
How to let them wash over and take the time to process and identify them right
In our haste, we often mistake pale green as pale blue and orange as red
You thought it was black when it was indigo
It's too complicated and there is no time to figure it out
You tripped over the rug
The glass jar broke
Perhaps, you left yourself alone

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