Crossroad

Follow 0 fans

Dead Name Grown Up

6:07

0 Views

Playlists:

#1

 Struggling with Crossroad? Become a better singer in 30 days with these videos!

It looks like we're at a crossroads, but it's a hostage situation
All of the exits are cut off, familiar positions have been taken
I rely on my training, I try to trust the authorities that brought me here
This whole thing stinks, it's a blame mess, and I feel like I'm unprepared
There's a tension in the air, any word could be someone's last
I'm afraid to breathe
I grit my teeth and lament that this has come to pass
And find the need to utter a prayer, fast

God let there be some other way
God let there be peace in the aftermath of this day
It doesn't add up, faith might move mountains, but can't stop a precision placed bullet
In the scope of conversation that Norman Rockwell, Dr. Seuss, Hallmark moment illusions
Are just imagination, not truth

It's funny how prayers work
Not a single one of mine did in the years that I went to church
I thought I was talking to God, and asking for blessings and forgiveness in the way I
was taught

Remember when I changed my name the first time
Well, I'm doing this thing where I revert to that prior build
Before I learned to obsess over guilt
I tried talking about it on podcasts
It's okay that no one listened, this isn't really about that

It's time to self-promote, say my name over a beat
Dead Name Grown Up, it's an alias
I'm a TechnoLich and a time thief
Whatever it takes to get back to the spirit of the law that surrounded my faith
Because I was afraid as hell that it really was a physical place
All have fallen short of the glory of God, and that God is in Me
Ageless, sexless, nameless, peerless, perfect
And lonely

There are certain paths I don't want to take, not that I won't, I'm just a little afraid
Because to carve out the rot means to go down past the root, and get it all out
I've lost someone very dear to me trying that
And I don't want to lose you, but that's how I feel when you tell me I'm shutting you out
When I express love by carrying weights I don't want to carry
Longer than I want to carry
Acting brave when life is scary, and maintaining family brand
In every situation that I can

There's trust issues
Sometimes I override them manually
There are decisions I made unconsciously that I have to account for
But I'm not going to lay blame
Though you were an adult
And you should have known better than your kid
I judge you based off your stated intent
Which is frustrating because you don't seem to do the same for me
I know I'm staring in the mirror
I know looking back is a fallacy
The one I'm writing this for is a child living in a parallel dream

I don't know what went wrong along the way
Seems nothing I do is right
If that's how it is, I may as well just live my life

I wasn't planning on being here this long
Now I can't get enough, there's so much I let pass by
Waiting for the right time, like there's a trick to the moon in the sky
As if it doesn't merely exist
I'm not pointing at what is
I'm screaming mommy look at me
But I feel like you don't try to see
Because you're ashamed
I could claim that it's because of your mom
Or because of your sibling
I'm talking to myself again, that's my tulpa
I'm living with my hero, he seems to understand that a trust fall is a necessary step for my healing

I'm not very good at this
It's because I don't practice
It's because I don't think that anything I have to say will be heard
And received in a way that I think can be beneficial

I stayed down
Stayed shut up
Held my tongue
Kept quiet
I thought if I were good enough, maybe things could turn out fine
Now I get to unpack the tendency to self-harm
That's inflicted through conditioning
And I mean everything
But I'm not saying any of it as a condemnation
Rather, an observation: life isn't just what gets talked about

I don't want to cause pain
It seems that's all I know how to do
But I also have a talent and a gift and a desire and ability
To use it for something beyond taking a petty swing
At those I claim are close to me
It's hard to see myself in another pair of shoes
When I hate mirrors
I hate myself
I hate that I lost myself
I hate that no matter what I seem to do
There's no way to take a middle path for long without compromising principles
I don't want to lie
Please don't pressure me
I tend to value your feelings over my own well-being
I'm trying to become who I am without getting involved in psychotherapy

I think I'm doing well
Took a few fractures to get here
All I know is that there's a chance
You know? That it could all be worth it
That's called holding out hope
And for most of my life, that's not what I did
I was sure I'd be dead by now, maybe I got that from dad
Maybe I didn't learn to live

There's a French expression, the call of the void
I knew the feeling even before watching Tommy Boy
Wanting just so much to jump off the church balcony
Because at least maybe then it'd be over
There's a lack of resolution in every direction I look

I never really matured, but I pretended,
I'm real good at that
I've got crying children in my head
So I had to bring some of them back to Life
I think maybe dreams can come true
I have the courage to grant some of the wishes I had, so I do

Maybe I'll make a song about how much of a failure I am
Because I can't seem to reach you
I don't know what gives
I find myself building fences around each burnt bridge
Call it status quo
To protect that little bit left of who-you-know

I don't think it's wrong to want my parents proud of me
But I can't keep doing what I've done
That's the definition of insanity

 Watch: New Singing Lesson Videos Can Make Anyone A Great Singer