Regret (Demo)

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Zardious

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Dear Sarah, wow, it sure has been long since we talked
Long time, no see. How do I start this off
Well, I'm still alive as you can tell
How does one survive hell?
Well, daddy did it pretty well
I fought for this
I prayed for this
Believed in God's religion
Asked for his decision
To talk to you at least one time
Before I die
I just wanna say hi
And goodbye
Cause you'll never see me again
I decided paper and pen
So you don't have to see my face again
Pretend for a second
This isn't how I planned it
Never planned life to be like this
Never planned your mother's death
If I could only have kept
My self-control
But that shit went down the hole
The deep, dark abyss
Abyss of mental shit
Daddy just had a fit
But this fit went too far
And now you're scared
I know this may be hard
To even read this
To give me a chance. Shit,
I wouldn't do it either
But please baby, give me this breather
I need this off my chest
Before I'm put to rest
Cross this off my bucket list
Baby girl, this world
Kicked me and beat me. Hurled
Me across the ground
That shit always compounds
In the brain
The rage was in my veins
Yet, I never complained
I held it in. Wasn't the best decision
But I had brain cells missin'
Those lost cells
Have always compelled
Me to do shit I didn't want to
Brain damage, it ended your mother. You,
Cried and I held you in my arms
Our tears crossed as they hit the floor. Alarms
Ringing in our ears
Someone screaming, manifesting fear
Shit baby girl, the hell did I do?
Tore us apart. Our family never came through
That day always on my mind
I can't outrun it like you can't outrun time
Every day in the cell
Has me repeating hell
Hell every day, what a thing to wake up to
Talks in evenings, talks in the night. Do
It every-damn-day
I can't complain
The cell's neutral grey
Walls always give a solid answer
A therapy session when I ask'em
Questions so desperate
I'm basically ignorant
The answer's so clear
I can see it and hear it in my ear
The bounced back responses
Escalate the conversation
To get to the deeper reason,
Meanings behind it all
To why did I fall
When I stood so tall
It's all so logical
Understandable, tangible
Answers so easy to understand
They get stuck in my head
I'm regaining sanity
Full sanity to return to me
The way I use to be
Before I let the voices take over
Lost my grip and killed your mother
F*ck, the pain's acute
My heart is crying for forgiveness from you
You are your mother's image. I see her in you
Baby girl, please. It'll help me move on
Wanting your forgiveness for so damn long
Sorry baby girl, times up. Gotta go
Back to my cell and therapeutic hole
Hopefully, there'll be a next time I can write a letter
If you write back, just tell me how you are.
If you don't, well, I'll know where your thoughts are

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