Gelded

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Hester Valentine & Outside House

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Sabered hands of a pact
Cut above the rest
Life struck me from the breast
Drug my feet, spun 22 round the sun, tried turning gainst it
Insecurities buried deep in my resentments
I was never one of the boys
I thought the violence could mend it
I thought the hiding could mend it
I'll dim my light so long it's like I never had it
Three fingers pointing back, my defensive tactics
Emotionally codependent, I broke my friendships
Overproofed and let em have it, my hands clasping at the wind
I remember my cousins would laugh, I'd get slapped as a kid
Aftermath, I'm barely bothered but I wonder what the f*ck it did
Couldn't tell the size of my hand with you wrapped round my fist
They closed my father's casket when you still sat with my kicking
Dragging us out the wreck
Trying to sidestep my own resentments
Mad at you for holding my hand
Mad you ain't raise a man
Razor aimed at my skin
Mad at you for not doing shit for me I should've did for myself
Not appreciating you did what you can
Blaming you for loving me, breeding anxiety in me
I be scared to land
Self-hatred keep me from starting new
I hated myself for everything I am
It's all I knew
4 am breaking Cardi bottles in my room
Slept 3 months in the glass
Side stepping my demons
My grandma died at 58, you keep on reminding me
Cognitive dissonance, I keep pretending that time won't come for me
Time won't come for you
Time won't come for you
Time won't come for you
Time won't come for you
Life too comfortable

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