P'oer Edgar

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The Prophet Obblonge

Erupting with preaching performances, The Prophet Obblonge explains, proclaims, transmutes, and delivers clarity to the masses for their edification and to bring awareness to the still uncertain fate of his beloved fiancé, last seen with a white supremacist narcissistic abuser in Michigan. Fans of horror fiction, true life drama, comedy, and pointed social commentary alike find Obblonge’s insightful, exasperated gospel to be an invigorating, motivating experience presented without fear of reproach or regret. What’s your problem? Issues resolved. Crises averted. Wonders explained. Be amazed. Lost? Depressed? Questions? The answers are waiting…. Everything is the repetition offa pattern. Everything. You can pretend you have free will. You can pretend you hav… more »

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A hardcover compendium of the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe appeared in a hallway close
To me, so I picked it up
It's a cheaply printed one, something that was probably
Available from a book club and not commercially at the Walden Books or the B. Dalton bookseller
The pages are yellowed and stiff
The jacket doesn't stay attached when opened

Someone's relative for cheap or free drew the cover illustration, using a vague memory of
When they were in elementary school
His works, like my favorites, Lovecraft, are in the public domain
So the publisher saved cost of paying the author
But there is a remarkable trait included
A bonus surprise, unintentional

The ill-fitting inside back cover flap indeed contains the prerequisite editor and author bio blurbs
Editor man saw fit to proclaim himself an outstanding Poe scholar and author
I know this brand of hubris isn't isolated to this subsection of artists
But fuckin' writers, man.

Equally as annoying and repulsive as the ones who use the term
Hubris to describe something made clearer with different words

Poor Edgar gets the opposite, without relating it verbatim, this summary
Orphaned at two
Fucked around at colleges and owed loan sharks who break legs
Married his 13-year-old cousin
She died
Then he died two years later
The end
It is blackness on feathered ebon wings

Obblonge's page informs me that this is his 500th deviation
Technically, a few of them are duplicates due to spotty interweb connections
And poor management skills
But Obblonge doesn't admit that unless he's pressed into a verbal corner

He hasn't had need of currency for an indeterminate amount of days
What time is it was always the last question on his list
Right before what time was it
$4 USD hasn't been coughed up and the geeky aggregated stats are blurry

He can, however, smartly avert that he hath achieved a milestone of sorts
Over 1 million reads
It says views on the screen, but I see reads
In less than a year

July 4th of last year was when I began pouring all these subjects and predicates tap-tap-tapped
Into my phone out on DeviantArt, hijacking passersby's hotspots
He tells himself that would look cool on a handwritten resume, whatever those things are
That author's bio is a masterwork unto itself, fitting that two renowned writers meet at some point

Poetic
To have a person's entire life summed up with such... the words, they escape me
And I'm a professional or something

What would your back cover biography blather on about
Are you your job
A collection of a few embossed papers
Who you have sex with
Does where your parents got laid define you

The Prophet Obblonge is asking you personally, which is to say, as a person
But he isn't expecting a reply
He is manipulating you
Burrowing his commands
Interrupting the soliloquy already in progress
He repeats, what are you

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