Cops And My Balls

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The Prophet Obblonge

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When I was 18 I sold pot, about a quarter pound to half a pound a week
I also worked 70 hours a week or so, about one day off every two week period, at a quicks
Convenience store that was the only 24 hour retailer in the area
I worked overnight, the fabled fun graveyard shift when all the interesting peoples came

Out to play
So one day when my car was down I got a ride with brother Adrian to a neighborhood a few
Cities away to get some stock
It was in the middle of the night but we were cool to chill there until the morning when

Someone could pick us up
The guy sold me two ounces that had already been divided into half ounce portions, four
Bags and a larger one
I stuffed them in the pockets of my leather jacket, along with the smoking apparatus I'd

Built from the stock of parts available, at a local chain of head shops, Planet K
A large ceramic bowl about the size of a tuba mouthpiece sitting on top of a barrel resonation
Chamber with a flat base and a stem rising up diagonal from there
That was in my interior pocket

We didn't have cell phones, I had a pager
To call our ride, who was either just getting off work or waking up, we had to walk to use
The payphone at the stop and go at the entrance to the neighborhood
As we're walking there, my buddy and I get passed real slow by two cops in a squad car

Sure enough they pull a U-turn and stop us, asking us where our punk, long hair mohawk
spikes on leathers, asses were headed
Be cool man
Remember that

Always be cool
Laughing, I explain our need for a telephone
Then, making conversation after we're asked if we give our consent to be searched, I ask
Why we're being stopped and fingered

Because you're white
Are you here to buy crack
Really
Uh, no

Does that ever work
I mean, have you actually asked someone that and they just forked over some crack
That was the right thing to say
Both cops started laughing with us

I take off my leather jacket, which positively reeks of both burnt marijuana from my ridiculous
Smoking accessory and fresh bud from four fold top sandwich bags full of sticky goodness
And place it on the hood of the police cruiser
Holding my hands up, I get the obligatory ball fondling that every cop was, uh, until

I was 25, would perform
At least a hundred different male policemen have gratuitously fondled my testicles
And getting that close, one can easily see I'm wearing boxers, which means I couldn't
Hide drugs under my balls unless I taped them there

Who does that
Finding no drugs, not having searched places where I could have actually hidden them like
My socks or the big thing with tons of zippered pockets completely covering its surface, they
Let us continue walking down the street on a weekday morning about 8am

We smoked a joint standing at the payphones just because, passing it to whoever wandered by
Later on, a few months, I found myself in the strange position of not having any pot
For the first time in years, more than 20 people I could call couldn't produce until
I was already at work

Being on the city limits between Church and Cibolo, my store had cops from
Both precincts at it regularly
We had what would now be called first responder courtesy cups for free drinks
So this night, the usual four, five, six police show up and act weird

Then all of them take off except a short chubby guy named Tubbs
I would later find out that Tubbs' son actually grew pot in their backyard, but at this point
I had been working nearly nonstop for a year and was proficient at my job duties
Turns out, in a year's time, nobody had seen me when I wasn't fucking bait

They all thought I was coked up or wired out
Tubbs proceeded to have a weird, hypothetical conversation with me about how I was cool
But you know, if I caught you with drugs, I'd have to bust you
Even did that tucking of thumbs into utility belt thing that stereotypes of Texas cops

Do on TV shows
I worked at that store for a year and a half, and that was the absolute only time I had no drugs on me
It was surreal
One time at a party that got raided, I was told not to fucking move

So I didn't
For over an hour, stood right where I was while four different cops searched me
They wound up taking three of our numbers to jail, and then when they left, I casually
Moved my right foot to the side a couple inches and stepped off the half ounce I was standing on

My regular customer and I were out by the gas pump smoking a joint at three in the morning
From that position, any traffic from every direction was visible, and he laid this one on me
He was about 30 years older than me
Told me his party got raided and they had a paper plate with baking soda on top of their refrigerator

The cops were so convinced it was cocaine that they didn't bother to find the meth lab
My first car was a 68 Dodge Dart
The glovebox had a push button that was supposed to open it, but being an old car
It had technique involved

One had to use an extra finger on the housing and pull it as you pushed the button in, which
At least 20 cops didn't figure out
Just pushed the button, observed it didn't open, and kept searching
Which is cool because that's exactly where the drugs were

My glove compartment was fashioned out of duct tape and cardboard
When we'd get pulled over, we'd just stuff whatever it was to the side and take a left
Turn, sliding the package down to the steering column
Cops had to do donuts in a parking lot to recover them

So one time I'm leaving a bar and I'm on my way to meet up with Patty at her grandmother
Joan's house, and I get pulled over, obviously drunk, and the cop runs my ID and comes back
And angrily tells me that I don't weigh 200 pounds, shoving my card into my chest with
A solid thunk, and proceeds to get into his car and speed off, leaving me staggering at

The side of the highway wondering what the f*ck just happened
Hours later I would be walking down the road and get picked up by a chick who says she'll
Drop me off at my apartment, but first she pulls into the strip mall that the Universal
City Police Department was part of, parks right in front of it, and grabs a locked briefcase

From the back seat
Turns out she was one of the steroid suppliers
Alright, last one, this time

When System of a Down's Mesmerize album came out, there was a record release party at a
Store in Austin, only about an hour's drive from San Anto
So with friend Shorty and Turtle in my mom's car, we buy two 18-packs and roll up more
Than a dozen joints

Start of the recording industry's week is Tuesday, so record releases happen at midnight
Monday
When we get there we discover BMXs and skateboarders on ramps in the parking lot, free posters
And some other promo discs

And more importantly, free pizza and free beer
There is a local microbrewery rep standing in between three kegs, grabbing a clear plastic
Cup I inquire about how many we can get each
I am informed that free beer is free beer, until these kegs are floating or you can no

Longer walk up and ask me that question
Well alright
Needless to say, I am swerving quite markedly on my way back on the highway
There are more than 30 empty beer cans on the floorboards and the car is still steaming

Pot smoke out the windows when we get pulled over in New Braunfels
They pull me out of the vehicle and ask what the hell we think we're doing
Hearing the explanation, another surreal moment happens highway side
No shit

Free beer
Then I proceed to pass the field sobriety test
I remember specifically being asked to count backwards from 100 by 7s and forwards by 3s
They look at each other and shrug

Okay man, one exit down there's a truck stop
Officially, that's the end of our jurisdiction
Can you make it that far and get some coffee
Yeah man, I think I can do that

Yeah I can do that
So I get in the car, telling both my classically shocked passengers to shut the f*ck up and
Look forward
I start the vehicle, put it into drive, and am just about to take my foot off the brake

When I hear a hard knock on my window
Shit godd

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