21/22/23

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Miss Makya Pink

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2 months before I turned 21
I crossed paths with a man who savagely betrayed my trust
I buried the memory deep within me hoping it would fade like a lost dream
Even so that still couldn't erase the shock, disbelief, or disgust

I vowed to never tell anyone
Scared of what consequences may come because of my naivety
I carried the weight of the blame for what had been done
To make matters worse
It wasn't until months later that I realized that man gave me cupids itch
I was no virgin but it's like he stole my innocence
Everything I thought I knew began to switch

But despite everything I continued on with my life
Filling my head with my own delusions
It's no wonder since that day nothing has gone right
I fell for a man who was not what he seemed
He told me he loved me but was having a child with someone else
Still today I can remember how he was so cold and mean

The foundation of my life was rupturing under my feet
I thought things couldn't get any worse
Little did I know of what the future had in store for me

3 months after I turned 22
My world was rocked by a loss of a dear friend
In hindsight so much shit could have been avoided
But it's clear our beliefs overshadowed our bond in the end

Leaving us to misunderstand each other and to ultimately break apart
The true heart of the matter lost in translation
So I guess anguish and disappointment penetrated my heart
It's pretty surreal that now we're like strangers
There was a time when we were as thick as thieves

Goes to show how everything changes
We fast forward to just 6 months later where I'm crushed at my core
This pain tipped the scales
Having me question if I wanted to live anymore

A person I cherished with every fiber of my being was taken in his sleep
There is no metaphor to exemplify how it changed my life forever
A part of me is lost, buried 6 feet deep

I couldn't stop the weight of this loss from consuming me
I had no appetite and tears flowed consistently
Sleep was the only escape out of my misery
Praying to see him again in my dreams
It was the one place I could be comforted with his memory
A place where everything was how it used to be

In the midst of my pain, a man was trying to heal my broken heart
He tried his best to provide me with limitless comfort and support
Desperate to mend me from the start
But he didn't know how to love a wounded person properly
It takes a great deal of patience and understanding
2 traits I believe were foreign to him honestly

We were both like shattered glass with pieces scattered
And broken beyond count
Each failing to fix the other
But both steadily fighting to figure it out
Despite our efforts, our chaotic match could only last but for so long
I'm sure he stayed as long as he could stand to
Even now he is the one I think of when I sing a sad love song

The day after I turned 23
I was told my step brother was killed
I remember feeling my soul sink into depths of despair
How was I supposed to rebuild?
What did I do to get treated so unfair?

I was watching each situation in my life go from bad to worse
Death seemed to be following me like a shadow
As if I was walking with a curse
My mind was in total chaos
So much change happening at a rapid pace
I struggled to make sense of my thoughts
Doing whatever I could to numb the pain
Chain smoking like the weed could take all my problems away
Basically I felt I needed something to help me sustain

Even so that only appeared to blur the days together
There were times I had no energy to even get out of bed
Sadly to say I fell victim to the pressure
My days were spent doing everything under a cloud of sadness
I wallowed in a pool of my sorrows
Sinking deeper and deeper into madness

The mistakes I made were countless
There were days I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror
And I know I was the cause of a lot of stress
I was in desperate search for someone to help me heal this pain
Really wanting someone to fill the holes in my heart
But I knew the way I was living had put me under strain

As I look back now I understand that one missing puzzle piece was self-love
That became the foundation for my healing
However I'd be lying if I said this process hasn't been tough
Writing is what truly became my saving grace
My journal served as a kind of therapy
My pen allowed me to unleash the pain I had nowhere to place

I stopped searching for someone to sympathize or understand me
Instead, every word, every syllable, every completed poem
Contributed to my growing strength
I began to fall in love with this new me

Gradually embodying the woman I always dreamed of being
Transitioning from a girl to a woman is a pivotal moment
And I am determined to make sure mine is one worth teaching
I now realize that pain is a lifelong companion
And the healing process doesn't have an end

Eventually we must let go of the past
Although with some departures closure seemed to slip through our grasp
Also it's true that after every dark night, there's a bright day after that
After being in darkness for so long I remember looking up at the sun
She said to me "At last, my love, you have finally come back."

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