Blessing In Disguise

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Mk-Tential

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Product of my environment in many ways
I don't rep codes but I'm in 7 or in NG8
Inner city humble start
Mother did her best for me I'm a son of a bitch and I despise any brudda that does a runner on his kids
My sweet angel's got flaws of her own
But never made an empty promise bout calls on her phone
She would panic if I wasn't at home by the street lights
Meantime you couldn't give a damn you had a sweet life
I must've been no older than 5 in the back of that fiat punto my mother drove on the backroad
She hopped out and closed the door started going off and I was baffled at the combination of angry and sad tones
"Look at him", you looked at me and I looked at you
Totally oblivious but felt familiarity
18 years and I still get the flashbacks
Tell me why you're haunting me, feeding my insanity
I didn't ask questions as a boy I was content
2 uncles demonstrating masculinity and strength
Father's Day for me was a very normal event I gave my mother and her brothers affection you would reject
I ain't even tripping bro I'm really detached
I've long past the point of ever needing a dad
I really hope I didn't make my angel feel insufficient when I told her curiosity was beating the cat
Think I was 13 she put in the word and my uncle tracked you
If I was in his shoes I probably would've wrapped you but he's cool and composed, I wasn't there when he grabbed you but he got the date planned up and he forced you to man up
Conflicted I'm excited but kinda weary
In my uncle's ride on the way to you I was teary
Overwhelmed sniffling hoping he doesn't hear me
Here goes nothing my expectations were too high
The main reason for even wanting to meet was because I heard I had siblings I was really intrigued
You confirmed it when you shook my hand and we began to speak at The Hemlock Stone on Wollaton Vale just up the street
Same day met Yas, I'm your big bro sis
The fact that we didn't grow together is atrocious
Bonded immediately nobody knows this on google I was searching tips on first time approaches
Every Sunday before granny's I would pop round
Tryna make up for lost time was improbable
I can't believe you only lived down the road, literally around the corner from my cousin it's impossible
Why the f*ck it take so long for us to connect
I wasn't lost the brudda always knew my granny's address
She hasn't moved in 30 years nah it doesn't make sense
Gotta charge it to the game and let the future commence
Time passed I'm at the relative function
You know the usual "remember me? I'm your" this and that
No recollection for real this ain't my family I'm feeling out of place and uncomfortable it really is mad
The damage is done it can't be reversed
I don't have the energy for the smile I rehearsed
It's time we sit and hash it out, in my mind I was cursed it's prolly best you hear me out cah I'm likely to burst
Growing up my mother didn't put dirt on your name never bitter she was thick skinned not even an inkling
No brainwashing or manipulation so I had questions of my own for the interrogation
It's a blur now I don't remember sentences
But I remember that you cried at the end of it
Guilty and ashamed it had you questioning your manhood
The first time I've ever seen a grown man cry
Fast forward and I still don't know why
It didn't change shit and the whole damn time I was hopeful thinking you would've broken your spine to bend backwards and pick up all the pieces you were scattering
The first month you didn't hit me up but I was calm
The third month not even a yo or wagwarn
By the 6 month marker I had moved on but stayed far from the vale (veil) like a bride that didn't show up
I've grown up and don't have any time for the what ifs
I used to tell myself that if I saw you then I'm stomping you
Tryna bring a prick within an inch of his life either through suffocation or through a flick of a knife
Imagine me being a fool and caring more you're willing to
Would've ended up doing a bird for a stranger
I saw you in town as a nightclub bouncer I took a breath then I moved swiftly like Taylor
A loss and a lesson both feed your progression and it's deprivation that makes you learn what you're yearning for
All my bros fatherless it isn't that deep once you face your own demons it really makes for a turning point
I ain't gonna trip about my nephew's birthday when you sat a couple seats away and didn't say a word
You made your choice incredibly absurd but it's bigger than me and you're the victim to me
Self worth's personal, guided by an angel that's my light in the tunnel and my anchor by the beach
When you know somebody cares for you it's only right that you show appreciation cah it's priceless and it's free
Holding on is more stress than it is to let go I prioritise my effort and my time
Maybe we'll meet in another life and we can revive but for now this rollercoaster was a blessing in disguise

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