Suicide Letter

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Ominous the Monster

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Uh, hmm
So I was just sitting here and I was thinking
About everybody, I guess
Alright

Eliasar said that he got me for life
Bought me some blank CDs and a mic
I often think about the video with Dice
Sixteen making us laugh all night

Sarah used to be my biggest supporter
I don't really know what I did wrong
You can tell that it bothers me
I keep bringing it up every song

I'm shook that my little cousins are grown
Man, they used to be my shadow
I would smile in their face and sing a little song
while secretly fighting this battle

Depression always comes and goes
But in the packed room, I am all alone
I'm pretty sure when my grandma King died
that's exactly when the family broke

Not at first, but you know how time works
I cried silently until my eyes hurt
Thinking, like, why I ain't die first
Stephanie saw me cry writing my verse

I wonder what Doug's up to and how he's been
Had a dumb fight and that's how it ends
I got his daughter tattooed on my right arm
She got a special place on my skin

Lil Zar died and I didn't blink
An eye had a hate love thing, but that's still my guy
And Jacob, I hope everything's alright
I should reach out, but got too much pride

Even feelings I share with my grandma Joan
ain't the same whenever I see her
She's honestly the most genuine person I know
Such a beautiful creature

I feel shame when I hug her
I know that I'm distant
A smile brings relief and you know that it's instant
And I know that she won't live forever

I just hope one day that she'll forgive me
I don't know if I turn my back on them
or if they turn their back on me
We ain't never had much, but we had each other

We fucked up, but we family
And my mother's an angel
I put her through hell somehow
She was always smiling

I remember when I stole the rent money
off the table and I kept on lying
I remember when I walked in her room
It was dark

She was all alone and she was crying
She said, what is wrong with you
What do you need from me, son
I promise I'm trying

And that vision alone always sticks with me
Acting like hurting my family ain't shit to me
Something's wrong in my head
It ain't a

Why the f*ck I'm so comfortable with misery
Self-medicate until I'm numb to it
If the drugs don't work, then a gun'll do it
All this pain in my heart, it keep running through me

On the edge of the bed like I'm finna do it
I don't wanna feel this pain no more
This life ain't for me
I keep saying there's no heaven

I guess I'll find out shortly
I apologize to both my kids
I'm truly sorry
Choice, Ruuch, Smurf, and Tony tell them beautiful stories

And my baby brothers, you know I love y'all, dawg
I'm proud for real
I guess I should've picked my phone up
Told y'all how I feel

If there is a pearly gates, I'll wait on y'all
You know I will
And Stephanie, just know I love you even when I'm not here
I don't wanna feel this pain no more

This life ain't for me
I keep saying there's no heaven
I guess I'll find out shortly
I apologize to both my kids

I'm truly sorry
Choice , Ruuch, Smurf, and Tony tell them beautiful stories
And my baby brothers, you know I love y'all, dawg
I'm proud for real

I guess I should've picked my phone up
Told y'all how I feel
If there is a pearly gates, I'll wait on y'all
You know I will

And Stephanie, just know I love you even when I'm not here

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