Ukulele

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Guys, I need your help
Brandon, quit being a bitch
No, I'm being serious
I'm in some real deep shit
Aw crap, is your dick stuck
In a Chinese finger trap?
No!
I met a girl on a superficial dating app
Is she hot?
Yeah dude, she's like a nine
Here's a picture of her
Goddamn she fine
The only way this could be a bad thing
Is if you were gay
And I don't think you are
So why the hell you acting this way?
A little bit of fibbing
Put me in this shitty position
I might have lied in my bio
And now she thinks I'm a musician
And she thought that I was hot
And she wanted to meet up
Now we're going on a date in half an hour
He's fucked
Don't say that
Come on, guys
I came to you for help
You need to make me a musician
I can't do this by myself
This is a long shot
You're throwing from half court
Mike, you know piano
Can't you just give me a crash course?
Damn it, Brandon
I can't make a man a pianist like magic
It's gonna take practice
So we're gonna have to find the instrument
That you can learn the fastest
Something really cheap and easy
That'll make you seem attractive
And lucky for you
We just happen to have it
The f*ck is that?
It's called a ukulele
A useful tool of music
To help you seduce the ladies
Having one of these with you
Makes it so easy to score
That with only four chords
Hoards of whores can be yours
I promise, it'll work
I don't know if I believe you
You hear that, Mike?
Brandon says he needs proof
Just sit back and relax
We'll tell you 'bout the time we
Took a crazy vacation
To the state of Hawaii

So we were sitting on the beach
And Mike says to me
Yo, let's try to get some booty
From these hula dancing hoochies
Long story short: it didn't go well
The bikini babes see us and they tell us
Go to hell
We must be ugly or something
But f*ck it, whatever
Let's hit the gift shop
And something to make us feel better
In the corner of the store
In an orderly display
Were some genuine article ukuleles
So we paid the man eighty-nine dollars
My hopes of getting laid are fading away
Till I hear Saverio say
I've got it
It's clear that we don't have enough sex
But I think that we just bought ourselves
The key to success
So we went back to the beach
To those shawties in the sand
This time with a ukulele in our hands
We stood real proud
With our backs to the shore
And we jammed out
To the world's easiest chords

First chord: all the girls stop and listen
Second chord: all the girls' tops go missing
Third chord: all the girls get so horny
By the fourth chord
We started a Hawaiian beach orgy
She do the hula on my dick
And she ain't even getting paid
She putting flowers 'round my neck
I'm about to get laid
Got that pussy on a platter
And I'm about to eat up
I go HAM on her pineapple
Call that a Hawaiian pizza
Didn't know it was December
It's Mele Kalikimaka
And every breast is a present
She letting me lick her tatas
Got a volcanic erection
It's flowing over with lava
I'm going nuts for her coconuts
Treating me like 'ohana
Props to all my Lilos and Stitches
Pimp game difficult
But I know the cheat codes and glitches
Cheap hoes and bitches
Swallow my potential babies
All cause we rolled up
And played the ukulele

Holy shit, did that actually happen?
Well, what can I say?
It's a gadget of passion
It's the simplest instrument
And it's practically magic
You could play a thousand songs
Without having to practice
Here's a paper with a couple written lessons
And we'll be right behind you
If you have any questions
F*ck yeah
Me and this girl are gon' get it on
Cut to us sitting at the restaurant

Bonjour
What would you like order this evening
I'll take a tofurkey salad
With very light seasoning
Tofurkey salad
Very light seasoning
Yup, I want that
Oh hey
We ordered the same thing
Yeah, what do you know
We must be mentally linked
So what do you do for fun?
Well, I volunteer a lot
I collect handguns
And in my spare time
I like to watch GDP
What about you?
Uh, same
Yeah yeah 
I'm totally into that
Yeah
Wow, I've never met another person
Who was into German Dungeon Porn
Yup
I love it
So you said that you were
Gonna sing a song for me?
Oh yeah
That's why I brought this thing along with me
Ooh, how cute, a ukulele
I'm all ears, so go ahead
What did you wanna play for me?
Alright Brandon, the moment of truth
A bold soldier on his own
Armed with only his uke
Do this right
And the girl across the table is your lover
No more hesitations
Time to do this mothafucka
Ooh yeah
F*ck
Shit
Yeah
Ooh-hoo
Your eyes
And your
Butt
F*ck
F*ck
Your butt
That
Was interesting
Wait, what's that sound?
Ooh uh oh
Shit's going down
I hear the soft jangling of strings from afar
Holy shit, that guy has a guitar
Guys, you told me this was fool proof
But this was unexpected
An unprecedented failure
But I did what you directed
I brought the ukulele
And I played the four chords
Yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours
How long did it take you to play?
You know, couple days
Ooh, your arms are so big
You're so strong
Oh, well thank you
I lift boobs
I mean, weights
All the time
F*ck!
That's what I call really bad luck
She left me for a guitarist
I bet he only knows those four chords
Yeah, he's probably retarded
What's the fucking point
Of using datings apps
If you can lose your date
To a douchebag in a beanie cap?
So, what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna go home
And jack off to her profile pic
F*ck that guy

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