Growing up Gay

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Chris Conde

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I don't really rap about it felt no need to explain it  because being gay was just a facet of what i was relating  getting sober was more the boulders on my shoulders and weighed in on my lyrical writing processes back when I first came in to the scene  I mean I think I'm always keeping it honest as much as anyone can especially with all this vomit of hate  invading that's sprayed, raped and painted upon us  I've waited and a lot of years to explain my sorry so I'm a  relate a little of growing up the gay and little and finding out you don't like the same shit as they do in middle school  a kid confused about liking dudes hoping it's not true  what will I do if I'm accused yo maybe it's all cool Will & Grace is on TV so maybe it's all good  but why do I feel like God hates me if it is all good  it's fucking weird I think I'm queer so maybe beer is the answer and the more that I drink the more I think I'm less of a cancer  what kind of 12-year-old thinks that  I think back and I'm grateful I didn't lean back  on that railing in Turkey and succumb to the lurking thoughts of suicide and self hurting I'm glad I'm not burdened by my internalized homophobic unworthiness  lift my skinny fists to the heavens like I don't deserve this shit  like god I don't deserve this shit  I'd rather drown, be buried alive and never heard from again yo 

It took a long time for us to get here so 
You will recognize all that we have been through 

A couple years later  I'm trying to find a savior someone to rescue him from all of my depression despair and anxiety  so one night I find myself inviting a higher being into my life and then finally  I feel peace for the first time I don't think for the first time in a long time about being deceased in the worst kinds of ways  but in the back of my mind I know I decided to deny my inner self that I'm gay  but if I pray real hard they say these feelings will fade  that my attraction to men will all be taken away  but I never noticed a change and I spent those next years a slave  to it dogma that caused a lot of empty bottles and veins filled painkillers insane feelings of shame I hate feeling like I just plain hate feeling  So I drank snorted shot smoked stared at the ceiling  slowly falling into a void of oblivion  a little bit of back and forth and a couple little slips I decided it was time for a life I could live  It was time for a switch  for a flip in the script  with the flick of a switch  caught a glimpse of a kid  underneath all this shit  I believe I'm a gift I believe I can live  yea I'm waving a flag with a rainbow on it and I'm taking no shit  Orlando 2016 this song is for that  for every gay kid out there who was ever made to feel bad  or ashamed of things they can't change yea it's with you I stand  we are equal to humanity we are never less than.

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