Grief Song

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Strangely Shaped by Fathers

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The first time I told you I loved you 
Was in your eulogy 
We weren't ever that kind of father and son 
Were we, you and me? 
More high-fives and the occasional hug 
Than words such as "love" 
And all those years of poison didn't help 
You cheated on her, but never on us 
But when that voice whispers into your ear 
Day after day, year after year 
That you were never here 
A child finds it easy to believe 
But if you weren't around 
When you were fucking around 
Why are you so frequently found? 
In weekend memories 
Parents' evenings 
Teaching me to ride a bike 
Football matches, cricket games 
Lakeland walks and mountain hikes 
Sharing favourite books and music 
Family holidays, Fish and chips 
You financed our first album 
Shallow Permanence: a Christmas gift 

Not the best father 
But the best that you could be 
And good enough for me 
Only - by the time that I could see 
You were gone 

A Sunday morning 
A ringing phone 
In a hotel room in Gothenburg 
You had died alone 

Meanwhile mom used the word like a weapon 
"Love?" with a question mark 
Emotional blackmail abuser 
A narcissist at heart 
Her love always attached with some strings 
Love that's demanding of proof 
Love, once pure, corrupted by heartbreak 
His cheating on her; taken out on us 
And we were lumbered with all her fears 
Day after day, year after year 
That he was never here 
Fears a child finds easy to believe 
But when he wasn't around 
Cuz he was now in the ground 
Why was it that she was not around? 
Except whenever 
money was mentioned 
Selling 86 and his pension 
Souring memories; recrimination 
Making worse the devastation 
In ancient wounds that had not yet healed 
Her true character was revealed 
In earlier years: our primary care 
But when we needed her most she wasn't there 
Little did we know she was dying 
And soon our anger would turn to crying 

Not the best mother 
But the best that she could be 
And good enough for me 
Only - by the time that I could see 
She was gone 

Three years pass by now 
The phone it rings again 
My step dad informs me 
Cancer wins again 

They're gone so young 
And I'm here

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