Something of Worth

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It's funny I think that everyone's judging me
When I'm the only one who's grudgingly holding on to the flaws that they can't see
Cause when I look into the mirror and see me
I see all of the things that won't let me sleep
The more people I let in
The more they can hurt me
See Loving is dangerous
And vulnerability merciless
So I walk out my door
And I put up my walls
A showers the only place that I feel safe
I Guess I'm emotionally broke
Cuz as a kid I used water to cope with your drinking
I feel so disconnected from life and I'm sinking
I sleep in every morning and lie awake each night overthinking
I seem to sleep a lot
But I never get rest
Maybe it's pain I'm feelin' in my chest
Sometimes I think it'd be easier drinking
God what am I thinking
I built walls I didn't realize were there
I turned away people who could actually care
Cuz I'm scared to let anyone near
This past week an old friend reached out
And it's like I didn't know how to speak
No words could come out of my mouth
Cuz he was concerned about me
You see
I wrapped myself in jagged wire and caution tape so no one can make me bleed
While I'm pulling ever tighter the noose that's on me
Why's it so hard to believe that someone could actually care about me
I thought these feelings were keeping me safe
But now I see their choking me to sleep and pushing me off into the deep
You ever look at the ground and thinkin'
Like what you doin'
You ever look up at the sky screamin'
Like what you doin'
The worlds flying by around you
Yet your barley moving ya
See this is how I deal with issues in me
A child at best
Perfectionist of self
I put myself down most
Nobody else even close
Cuz I'm the only one who knows
The thousands of what if scenarios I play in my head
That leave me paralyzed never wantin' to leave from my bed
I know I'm the one who said
If you don't try again
Then you'll always give in
But given the chance to sink or continue to swim
I'd drown in my thoughts and never let you in
My mind gets so cold
Feels like I'm in an ice box
Trapped inside of my thoughts
I was lost
Then I Thought that we were star crossed
Wonder how much time I lost
Maybe I don't see myself like I should
Wonder what you'd think of me if you ever could
These feelings I cannot discern
But I'm feeling every burn on my skin
I guess I'll just wait for the day that I don't feel any burn
Whatever way I goes the wrong turn
No matter how many Songs that I make
It does nothing to replace
The piece of my heart that you're trying to take
And these are the thoughts that I fight every day
People don't get it
The more I give out
The more they want from of me
Opening up is exhausting me
So what the hell is wrong with me
I'm positive that my emotions aren't my friend
Sometimes I feel like their a means to the end
And the end is me
Cuz when I come to the end of me
Thats when I can clearly see
I've always been told that I'm less than I am
And now thinking back to every jealous person
Who couldn't give a dang about me or my life
Now it's Me and strifes and they are all that I got
I guess I can't hide from what I'm not
I try to be strong but I'm not
I try to hold back all these thoughts
But then in my mind I get lost
I'm 20 now
But I'm still that kid hunkered down in the corner of my bedroom
And I feel like it's my tomb to the fact that I can't leave my room
And I know I'm not alone in what I feel
Cuz I know these feelings are real
And I know I'm not the only one who's feeling these thoughts
Who's feeling like they can't do another day of the pain
It's the least of these that I hope can breathe knowin'
That their not the only ones broken
I don't write cuz I'm always depressed
But I write for the ones who look in the mirror and say
They wish there were never a me
And since I've been born
I've been told that I'm less
Maybe that's me
My flaws are all that I see
But is this really me
And the things that I've done can't be undone
The lies that I've spun can't be unspun
Like today is the one where I become one with the dirt
I'm like you
My anxiety tears me apart but I know something that can mend all your scars
And I'm talking your heart
Your not to dark for a spark
I care about you and I truly do
I'm not talking fake friends
I tear myself in two for you
I tell you my pains and i tell you my hurts because amidst all of my dirt
I found something of worth

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