Zach Snyder's Netflix Comedy Special
Zach Snyder
Become A Better Singer In Only 30 Days, With Easy Video Lessons!
Thank you, thank you, thank you This is my first time in Albuquerque, I've always heard of the city But I never thought it was a real thing I mean, who the hell would name anything Alburquerque Then again, we have parents naming their kids all kinds of wild things these day I was watching the news the other day, and get this, a kid went missing Yea I know, it's some sad shit. Fortunately though, his name was Axel Thor Smith So I give it about a week before the kidnapper returns the kid back to the original parents Because let's be honest, Axel will start to show his entitlement He started asking for the blue burlap bag, instead of the red one And no kidnapper wants to deal with that Anyways I have a confession to make I, as a human being, hate literally everything that has to do with taking a shit Alright hear me out When you feel the urge to take a shit - it's one of two things It's either - Oh shit, I think I need to go take a shit soon But if you're busy, you can hold it, you'll just feel uncomfortable for a while Or situation 2 - Oh shit, I gotta go take a shit immediately I might not making it to the bathroom in time And usually, that second situation, is because you sat there Playing Clu Clu Land on your Nintendo Switch for far too long And if that's the case - just take your switch to the bathroom with you silly Either way, I hate taking shits. They're never fun It's just 22 minutes of onslaught, backwards ass violation Yes, 22 minutes. I don't care if you spend less time in the bathroom than me Maybe I have a problem, maybe I should get this checked out, but regardless It's not fun Now part of this time is spent on my phone, right? I mean, back in the day, when I was a kid - you gotta go take a shit - you go to the bathroom The only thing to keeping you company is the alphabet stickers on the shower door And the left over toilet paper rolls on the floor Now, we have all of human history's entertainment in the palm of our hands So theoretically, you never have to leave the bathroom ever again But my problems with shits, besides the fact that they can be painful is There's always the chance of something going wrong Like when you go to whip your ass, there's always this very small Insignificant chance that shit is gonna get on your hand Tell me I'm wrong Tell me you've never accidentally got shit on your hands You got the toilet paper in your hand, you go to wipe and oh f*ck You got way more shit on your ass than you bargained for Now you need more toilet paper, now you need to wash your hands And you might also need to go to doctor - I don't know, I'm not a proctologist Speaking of toilet paper. This is the currency of the bathroom world Toilet paper and money are basically the exact same thing They're both paper They bet get used up way too fast Your family or friends feel entitled to take it when they need it The only difference between toilet paper and money, is that there's a one-way exchange You can use money to buy toilet paper, but you can't use toilet paper to get money Trust me I've tried And see we spend money on some useless shit, but toilet paper is in its own league We say we're evolved, we say we're civilized, but in reality we're just whipped We actually work hard hours to put shit on a piece of a paper So that's why in current year, I have made the very long and hard decision To take the more esteemed path and begin wiping with my hand If there's always the chance for shit to get on my hand during a bathroom session I say why waste money in the process? I'm gonna save that money and go buy more Taco Bell Alright that's all the time I have left, thank you for coming out, and I hope you have a good night
Become A Better Singer In Only 30 Days, With Easy Video Lessons!
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