John Thomas Allcock
Ivor Biggun
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John Thomas Allcock He lived north-east of Whitstable He's got that certain something That the girls find irresit-stible He's a fine upstanding fella And they say for what it's worth His mother was frightened by a donkey Six months before his birth And when the midwife heaved him out The first thing she could seize on It wasn't his arm, it wasn't his leg And I guess that that's the reason Why...he's... the... Man with the biggest plonker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch And it's more when it's unfurled He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world John Thomas Allcock At school the kids all gathered 'round And said "Please tell us what is that Behind you, trailing on the ground?" He said it was a python and It had got the mumps He stuck it in his ear and said "I am a petrol pump" He stuffed it down his wellies And the teacher said "Now John You'll have to stay behind when all the other kids have gone" And that's what's known as Further Education But you don't get a certificate for it Because... he was... the one and only... The man... the man... talkin' 'bout the man... The man with the biggest plonker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch And it's more when it's unfurled He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world John Thomas Allcock He grew up and he went to sea Modelling for masts And for chimneys for the admiralty Then he got married and he had five kids And it comes as no surprise He's got a lovely wife With a rather strange expression in her eyes She just stands there and she goes baawaaagh... And it hardly surprising because she's married to... The one and only... the man... the one and only man... A very extraordinary man... The man with the biggest plonker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch And it's more when it's unfurled He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world John Thomas Allcock He died, oh yes he did And because of rigor mortis They couldn't shut the coffin lid And now he's up in heaven And his kids are very proud To see their daddies dongler Dangling through the clouds And when it's dark and midnight You can hear the ladies sigh And whisper when the ghost Of old John Tom goes slithering by Dragging his enormous equipment behind him Because... they know... that he... is... the... Man with the biggest plonker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's a inch And it's more when it's unfurled He's the man with the biggest plonker What an enormous stonker He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world
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Written by: IVOR BIGGUN
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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"John Thomas Allcock Lyrics." Lyrics.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 11 May 2024. <https://www.lyrics.com/lyric-lf/4248464/Ivor+Biggun/John+Thomas+Allcock>.
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