Not Down

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The doctor drew a horizontal line on a sheet of paper
And said, If this represents what you think of as normal
Draw another line to show how you feel most of the time
Taking his pen I drew another horizontal line
Parallel with the first
But below it

Even normal was no more than a memory to me
But I had resisted help
Didn't want medication
Afraid it might steal what little creativity I had
Rob me of my identity
Turn me into a husk
And creativity
Was the only thing that made me feel human

I started eating more fruit and vegetables
No more meat, fish, eggs or dairy
Stopped drinking alcohol
And began exercising
A brisk walk for an hour each morning before breakfast
And every day I took
One of the pills the doctor prescribed

Change came so slowly it was imperceptible
I felt no improvement at all
Still not so much bipolar as mono-polar
My episodes were depressive but not manic
Always down and never up

More than three months after I'd first gone to the doctor
On a morning when I wasn't thinking about any of this
I looked out of the window and saw
Silvered rainlight flattening
Tiled roofs, driveways
And the pitched roof
Of our mailbox
Until they all looked as though they were made out of tinfoil
And above them an arc of sky
Reflecting that shine

I felt calm
At peace
Almost lightheaded with it

And for the first time
Realised
I was no longer unhappy

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