Flat Jim

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Will Gant

7:27

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My name James but you can call me Jim
Or if it suit me why not call me friend
Because I can tell y'all are honest folk
Being that I come from a long line of honest men

The family surname is Solomon
Our line of work is foundations
Been in business since way back when
Paved the way for a mighty handsome reputation

Specialty's concrete and cement
Expertise is the basement
But we done tennis courts and copter pads
So if it's flat give us a call, we can probably make it happen

To no surprise there's a constant ringing
Growth today the phone keep singing
Tapers off round 4 or 5
So imagine my surprise that night I get a call at 1AM

I grab receiver yell, "who the hell is this?"
Woman's voice says, "Hello is this Jim?"
"No it ain't don't call here again!"
She said, "wait one hot minute Mr. Solomon,
I'm calling you all the way from the Wheel of Fortune"

I said, "you got any clue what time it is?"
She say, "Congratulations you're our next contestant"
"Listen here I want no part of this!"
She said, "now Jim, I hear you've got a way with words
And you can win some serious cash"

There is one thing I forgot to mention
When I walked you through my heritage
My family tree we ain't just hard working
We're also highly educated, polymathic bookworms,
Hyper-literate wordsmiths

True I been laying floor since age of ten
Just like my Pa and his before him
So it probably do not make sense
When I say we're 9-to-5 down to earth
Blue collar librarian

The trowel is my main instrument
But now and again I'll wield a pen
Sit down at the writing desk
and smooth out a story, essay, maybe even a poem

Been told my gift is heaven sent
So when I hear this Fortune wheel nonsense
Is more or less a game of hangman
I no doubt I can win, drive into town,
And take the next red eye flight to Los Angeles

This is the beginning of the end
Don't play with loaded gun
You'll start to be undone
Consider this a warning
The game is already won
Don't fly too close to the sun

Sure enough that's just what happened
I gave the wheel a big old spin
On the final round I hit 10,000
and solved the puzzle with the letter "N"

I made a fool out of the competition
There that day on the Television
You won't believe what I done win
But a round-trip luxury resort cruise line
To Bermuda with base jumping and sky diving

Long story short I'm now highly addicted
To the extreme sport of parachuting
I learned of the rush of adrenaline
Been thrill seeking, paratrooping, crash landing since

Planes ain't cheap even to rent
Quickly my prize money it came and went
Sold my car and I sold my house
But it wasn't enough, I got so desperate I called my Italian friend

I said, "Vinny please won't you loan me some cash?
One last jump then I'll quit after that"
He said, "Jim, you're family you don't have to ask-
Just do me a favor and hide these body bags"

By this point I was in over my head
Said after this dive no never again
So I packed up my gear in the middle of night
Arranged the airplane and went about burying the dead

Took the company truck that was full of cement
To the hole of an unfinished basement
Unloaded the bags of torsos and limbs
Dumped in the concrete smoothed it out
So a passerby would never even know what happened

Awful nervous still covered in sweat
When the jet took off the runway strip
I told the pilot, "just keep going up,
This is my final jump and it's got to be the biggest yet"

When I finally stepped up to the edge
Almost had the atmosphere left
Pilot he shouts "can't go no further Jim"
So I dove overboard headfirst singing the national anthem

I instantly knew I'd forgotten the pin
You know the one that makes the parachute open
But I kept falling with a big old grin
I'm going so fast, I'm going to make such a crater,
They won't even have to dig me a grave,
They'll just come they'll fill me in

This is the beginning of the end
Don't play with loaded gun
You'll start to be undone
Consider this a warning
The game is already won
Don't fly too close to the sun

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