The Night I Battled Krampus

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It was late in the night one mid-December
It was almost Christmas Eve if I remember it right
And I was sleepin' tight tucked away in my bed
When I woke up to a noise echo in my head
It was two big hooves and some rattling chains
comin' in from outside through the window panes
So I jumped up out of bed like what was that
I ran outside with a baseball bat
I went out on the lawn with a Louisville Slugger
Hopin' to god that it was just a mugger
But he was eight feet tall without even tryin
Covered in fur with a mane like a lion
And he had a flame in his eyes he had breath like the dead
And two big horns comin' outta his head
And a basket on his back was full of little kids
Trapped inside by a wicker lid

I said what the hell man, let those kids go free
You wanna take another step, you gotta go through me
I took one swing, he grabbed the bat from my hands
Broke it in his grip and said you don't understand
You're out of your depth, and way out of your league
I've been snatchin' up brats since a million BC
There's never been a mortal who could handle my game
Hell is my home, and Krampus is my name
He spoke an ancient word from a faraway land
And a broken piece of bat became a mic in his hand
And a sick trap beat came out of thin air
With a deep bassline and a reverb snare
He turned the mic on and said I'll tell you what we'll do
We'll have a little battle, me versus you
The one who lasts longer walks away with the brats
Should be easy for you if you think you're all that

He threw the mic at me and said "Ladies first
If you think you got it then show me your worst
I'm like listen dude that's just a little bit pathetic
Pickin' on kids, and bein' unapologetic
Why don't You pick on someone your own size, 'cause that's a factor
Or someone your own smarts, like, maybe a tractor
If ignorance were bliss you would be orgasmic
If you could get your breath out my face that'd be fantastic
Why don't you let those kids go that you illegally took
Bein' a stranger danger at night is never a good look
Holiday times should be about magic, see
Pretty whack that you're tryina make them about tragedy
There's already a hairy dude runnin' this holiday
You couldn't handle a candle to Santa, not even on your best day
Make an exit, nobody's buyin' what you're sellin' Jack
Crawl back in your hole, and don't you ever think of comin' back

The demon grinned and took the mic in his claw
The night got cold and he opened his mouth and he gave a roar
He said look at you, you little mortal, you're way too uppity
I'm not your average savage, G, I'm older than eternity
I'm the reason the freezin' season has a sense of mystery
My pretty face in every place and every time throughout history
Little brats aren't scared of coal anymore
Spare the rod and spoil the child, That's what my switch is for
I beat the little brats, extracting karmic recompenses
Without me there'd be no negative consequences
Little brats runnin' around bein' wild
You should know, I remember when you were just a little child
Little snot running around, at all hours of the night
Gettin' into trouble with underage drinkin' and gettin' into fights
But this is a fight you'll never have a chance of winning
I'm a force of nature Dawg, I'm the price of all your sinning

There was nothin' I could do
His flow was too sick and his rhymes were pretty sick too
I thought it was over, I thought that he had won
But then in tiny voices a holiday song had begun
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
The little kids in Krampus' basket had started to sing
And in the darkness their voices were inspiring
The holiday spirit in each of their hearts, and the demon wailed
His basket turned to ash in a flash, and the children bailed
Defeated and beaten Krampus vanished in a puff of smoke
The kids were no longer bad, and the spell on them was broke
Christmas spirit saved me and the kids from peril
So if you ever run into Krampus, remember to sing a carol

Don't forget to carry holiday spirit in your heart again
Wish peace on earth and good will towards women and men
Forget about who got what for who, and how much it cost
Don't worry about black ice and car trouble and frost
Take some time, do good for people who need it
Give till it hurts, volunteer till you're bleeding
There's so many reasons to be sad on the holidays
Be a light for others so they can find their own way
Through the darkest of the Solstices, and into the dawn
With a newfound hope and the strength to carry on
Try to do good for others this year, don't act up or whine
And Krampus will find some other kids, and you'll be fine
And if all else fails, try a battle with the Beast
Grab a mic in your hand and go down rhyming at least
Like the night I battled Krampus and almost lost too
But I was saved by Christmas spirit, and I swear that it's true

 Watch: New Singing Lesson Videos Can Make Anyone A Great Singer