Couldn't Keep the Pizza Lit

Larry the Cable GuyLarry the Cable… 

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Larry the Cable Guy

Daniel Lawrence Whitney (born February 17, 1963), known professionally by his stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, country music artist and former radio personality.He was one of the members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, a comedy troupe which included Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Jeff Foxworthy (with whom he has starred on Blue Collar TV). Larry the Cable Guy has released seven comedy albums, of which three have been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of 500,000 copies and in addition has starred in three Blue Collar Comedy Tour–related films, as well as in Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Delta Farce, and Witless Protection, as well as voicing Mater in the Cars franchise. Whitney's catchphrase "Git… more »

Year:

2001

2:23

110 Views

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Some girl's banging on my door the other day at four o'clock in the morning. I was like, "What in the world?" You know? So I got up and let her out. Tell you what, I was madder than Janet Reno's blind date. 

I met this guy a while back, looked like Shania Twain. Only a little shorter, and, uh, faces were different. I was drunk, it looked like Shania Twain. Next morning Mark Twain is laying there next to me there, he--ho, ho--she was ugly, now. I take her to Glamour Shops, get her an estimate, you know. She was--man, she was ugly right there. She had marks on her from where people had been touching her with the ten-foot poles! 

I don't like Miami too much though, there's a lot of drugs and stuff. I was down there in broad daylight, car drive by, says, "You want some cocaine?"

I'm like, "No, officer."

I don't do drugs. I don't know what I'm doing. I tried smoking mushrooms once, couldn't keep the pizza lit, you know, so I quit doing that. I tell you, I was madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake, I tell you what. 

Has it ever happened to you when you make love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your hind-end?
Now that--Lord, I apologize, for talking about the dog licking my crack there, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

I'm trying to teach my dog safe sex but he keeps licking off the rubbers. That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there! If you don't think that's funny, you get out of here right now, 'cause. That's a good program right there. Preacher told me that joke. That's right.

Git-are-Done!

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