What I Deserve

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Jesse Gray

Jesse Gray (May 14, 1923 – January 2, 1988) was an American civil rights leader and politician from New York. more »

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My whole life I considered myself unlucky
Praying to my God like what you want from me
I gave you my life, but it's still like you want something 
I keep ending up hurt from these people, and it is not funny
I know that I gave her too much of me, 
So in return, she gave me low self esteem
That's why you see me fronting sometimes talking like I'm straight steam 
Like amazing cause sometimes inside I know that I hate me 

Look I'm just spitting the facts
I avoid talking to dudes and put the cage wall to my back
I sit and stare into space be still just try to relax
I got a plan like tell em I'm pretty good if they ask
But I just give them the smile they know they want to see
Pretend like you as happy as any man could be
Pretend you confident and life has given ecstasy
And wait for my fake friends to give fake smiles back at me
Cause I know they acting G

But really who am I to talk
Like I don't get frustrated at writer's block
Like everybody don't have occasional suicidal thoughts 
Like if I end it all right now, then I know the cries will stop
Truth is we all in chains, well
Doing time in our minds for past crimes that's brain cell
I tried to pick the lock once, I quit that game still
I guess it's why I talk through bars, say that ain't trill

I'm sick of always being hurt
But I guess I can't complain cause I'm always causing pain I guess I get what I deserve
You just get what you deserve
I guess I get what I deserve
You just get what you deserve
Maybe I get what I deserve

I'm just tryna make it through
And I'm sick of double standards cause I hate when people dodge me so I hate the fact I'm dodging you 
Haven't seen you in a month or two, I know we go to different schools
But really we were closer than I'd like to admit
For how often I just don't reply to your texts
We made some music together and you were down for whatever
But I felt I couldn't measure up, I was always stressed
I'm guessing that you are wondering what had happened
Honestly I ghosted on you cause your passion
You had it together while I was struggling with it and I didn't want you to see me like I was a has been

Man this life is crazy, I guess that you live and learn
I wish that it didn't take all these bridges burned
And I'm so sorry bout what happened
If life was on a track I wish that I could spin it in reverse
Lately I been going backwards acting like the past me
It's like I'm chill and cool everything or I am snapping
Debating popping pills I need something to distract me
I just wish I knew what it would take to make me happy

I'm tired of floating through life, like some trash in a pipe 
Everything ends up going wrong I wish it'd go right 
They say that it's the hard times that come to an end 
But it seems like it's the good times that keep vanishing from my sight
Lately being happy in this life for me just isn't doable
Lately wanna ask for some advice but really who would know
How to stop me from asking myself if anybody that I love is gonna show up to my gravestone or my funeral
Man I'm really getting tired of fighting the same fight
So I'm doing what I can to try to escape life
All I taste is pain nowadays, honestly it's got me wondering what death tastes like
I'm sick of always being hurt
But I guess I can't complain cause I'm always causing pain I guess I get what I deserve

You just get what you deserve
I guess I get what I deserve
You just get what you deserve
I just get what I deserve

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