Still Numb

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Kayote

4:26

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Look, it's been harder to eat, harder to sleep
And since I made myself Bleed it's been harder to C
To see why I should stick around, I been wanting to leave
The only one who had my heart had departed from me
I made mistakes, looked away, betrayed her faith
And though I ain't follow through I could still taste her pain
I convinced myself she wanted me to fadeaway
And started jumping through hoops so I'd erase the blame
I told myself being alive would only bring my people burden
I felt like my show was over, time to close the curtain
I felt sad, I felt worthless, but felt certain
That saying goodbye would only help who I was hurting
So that's the plan say goodbye get up and go
Stop going through the unnecessary rigamarole
You said you wanted me gone, and it sticked in my soul
But looking back maybe I coulda used a different approach

But then again who am I gonna tell my family
They gonna look at me different and think the man weak
And I can't keep on pretending that shit is dandy
A nigga outta options I'm really missing a plan b
So every cut is a reminder I can feel pain
Psych ward what convinced me I had an ill brain
And my meds got me questioning if I'm still sane
Mind is racing I'm anxious but yet I'm still drained
But I'm suppressed off an antidepressant
I feel like broken minds are often more expressive
A lot of people relate but they never accept it
Cuz when you black, your family gon tell you to neglect it
When your sad just forget it
If you're mad just repress it
There gon be static projected unless you act as expected
Or they gon take your ass to church have you asking for blessings
Every relationship you have man it has to affect it

And you're still numb
Told you got things to live for but your still numb
Community where mental health's an enigma
Either that or it's wack and shrouded stigma
And you still numb
You're still numb
Yeah

Look 
Anger and emptiness the emotions that drive me
Cuz I got past trauma that I can't put behind me
Even when I'm doing well there's things that remind me
Of all the days I've spent in gray and ain't think highly
Of myself and I let the shit pile up
I still don't like the man I am when I'm getting riled up
I still don't like the memories of whimpers and eye rubs
But still I know to try to keep the issues behind us
I can't say that won't ever be sorrow
Cuz every day's a climb like Kilimanjaro
I know it feels impossible when your feelings are low
But when there's bad days there's a better tomorrow
You can see that it's an issue when you look into it
When you're black there's a higher chance you're going through it
Self-harming at higher rates cuz we stay secluded
And as a black man your 4 times as likely to do it
Damn 
We gotta start spreading information
It's not proactive to just ignore the situtation
Our communities mindset is a bit tenacious
So we got spread more knowledge and begin to change it
Try to think bout how treat someone who's mindstates fragile
Maybe try to keep in mind that its a lifelong battle
And not just something you medicate and then put past you
You might have a good day then some bad things happen

And you're still numb
Told you got things to live for but your still numb
Community where mental health's an enigma
Either that or it's wack and shrouded stigma
And you still numb
You're still numb
Yeah

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