Cool Debauchment

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Ebor Mistral

4:30

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Move to the big city
Make something big of me
I will be joyful free
Please past do not find me

(Get the) f*ck-f*ck-f*ck outta Leeds and my Mums
From the lames leave lames London calls lights and all
Not the same chase fame play the game party hard
In the eve with a clique of fake gays

Go home then the same next dayyy

Tell Uncle Dennis I'm looking for a job right now but I failed that
Too "back to Leeds for you" he said and I broke down yet I knew
That I would come back took a year but back here round Sydenham
Gay vicar racist husband and a drag queen damn sounds like a
Dave sitcom no lie four one Trewsbury road I'd sneak fare to Brixton

F*ck the Southern Rail Bound

Charge me for late cancelled trains call yuh teef and wait
Sincerely London crowd
I got moves to make get wristbands meet Thomas on CP time state "Worth wait" 
In tow with 5 lewks could not decide which to use so 5 changes

You know I'm doing this for clout
Numb pain
Cause when we dancing at GAY Late
I can pretend I'm okay that things are normal

And I'm normal
Doing things the right way
No N29 panic attacks 
No flashbacks or mistakes I'm in the present

I am grounded 
As I move to the beat
Got anon-nee-mit-ay
A temporary escape

Reality's a poor state
I'm not ready just yet mate
Give me more time in my space
Please not the lights I can't face 

My pain, my shay-ee-eem

I leave Heaven
Where you think I go when lights go on
Why you think I danced I watch my tone
For what is about to go on
Goodbye Thomas have a safe bus home

Heading other way the arches call
Or the Ramillies depends on horn 
Horn of Ebor
At 4 in morn

Walk around the place in dazed stupor
Perfunctory foreplay then the score
He gets it in both ways choose ways
He shoots he scores then out it pours

Funny pear smell emanates from doors
The booths with mouldy mats no sandal shoes
And then the moans of mean gay youths 
And hot as hell bored cleaning crews

Shower go home at 9 feel used drip drip
Avoid the eyes on Tube
Have brekkie sleep a little snooze 
Back out Warren Street/Vauxhall dude, damn

Hoein' can be fun 'cause it fucks the humdrum
And distracts from the pain as a poz queer BAME
But I need to hoe in, concert with myself
Not to hide myself, give trauma a shelf
Face my issues, damaged tissues 
In my brain now, bad mental health
Need to get help, I tried that help
Was not believed, need to help self

I will help self, lie get new job
Get corn on cob, Google self help
Probe the life dealt, life I was robbed
Grindr log off, face the not felt

I'll be okay, it's a process

PTSD you'll get gone
And then I can have an anon
On my terms and needs not the will of past Leeds
Misadventures to just up and leave

I cannot pretend, this is enough for me
The same club and, conversations kill me
I need an end, basic gay shit each week
Whitewashed arbitrary rules and

Fuckability should not be the social value
F*ck the white and thin masc system in our queer venues
I will no longer chase the scene in that way, won't do
Let the bias and hard living catch up with the rest of you

I am uppity got attitude I earned the hard way

I thought I had Cool Debauchment but I lacked true agency

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