Self-Conscious

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Joshua Houeto

3:51

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It's been constant, I been walking, round like I'm self-conscious
All I wanted was acceptance, I am so self-conscious 

See my fear is relentless so it's hard to be that authentic
Can't be the man that I want to be so I Peter Pan, I'm digressing
Hiding my true intent, under the covers I choose to just brew in it
Moving it out in passive aggression, back to back in incessant phases
Of this active repression, lately I been acting so plainly
How can they love me if they were to tell, I was nothing but
Sensitivity and pretend to be, everyone else but myself 
And the brevity of when I'm real is the source of my levity
Wish I could dip in a pool of serendipity, cause I'm living in bitterness
I'm a menace to my peeps, I don't want to hurt nobody else
I rather hurt myself, so don't look at me, no no no no
I feel ugly and, I know, I know--I got issues interfering
With my mission and my errand, on the surface of the earth
I won't ever fulfill the purpose of my birth if I hesitate
How can I be what I'm made to be if I denigrate the person
That I am and never jubilate or celebrate the uniqueness
That's embedded in my cells, but I know the fear of man, keeps
Me locked in a cell

It's been constant, I been walking, round like I'm self-conscious
All I wanted was acceptance, I am so self-conscious 
To live for others, is death I wanna, not be so self-conscious 
To live for others, is death, I wanna, not be so-self-conscious 

I do the most when nervousness persists, when they moving close 
I'm prone to move and drift, captain hook I might abandon ship
Walk off the plank and I'm falling and dropping real quick
Now I'm sinking and drowning in water, swimming with the fish
Looking down, don't really want to see their faces, in a cloud of witnesses 
I feel degraded, cause I feel they judging me and I know I got no defendant
But I see the prosecutor and the jury and the plaintiff
Feel like I'm stuck in a loop, so out of touch no masseuse, eagle that's stuck in a coop 
Way more to me than what you see on the surface, I usually keep to myself
I'm alert with the people I'm meeting these days, you never know who can be fake
Pretending they love you but deep down inside they be slithering
Hissing like snakes, I can feel the tension in the air
But that's no excuse to live in fear, intimidated, now I'm frustrated
Isolated, syncopated to the beat of my own drum I'm out of tune
Got my own rhythm but how can I play in humanity's symphony 
If I just keep to myself in self-pity and misery, being self-conscious is killing me

It's been constant, I been walking, round like I'm self-conscious
All I wanted was acceptance, I am so self-conscious 
To live for others, is death I wanna, not be so self-conscious 
To live for others, is death, I wanna, not be so-self-conscious 

I want to know yea I really, really want to know
What they think of me when I, when I hit the floor
Whoa, oh

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