Dumbgeons

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Banditt the Ill Alchemist

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I will crash through dungeons, Hunting for all of your monsters
Honest, I have lived through countless horrors, I have lived my life in honour
Follow all your rules and guides, I will never be surprised
I can Look in basilisk eyes, and blow a mindflayers mind
My stats are rolled so perfect, I am offering my service
To the lowly people that we meet, no beasts, I make them nervous
My many deeds are known to be the root of all my power
As I quest for XP, press adeptly, less a medley more devour
As I roll initiative, my swift disposition is to
Close on your position, kill and split like cell division
Let's see how a copper scaled dragon, answers to my broad sword
You think I wont back flip off this sarcophagus, of course
And do a triple, double front flip, plunging deep my blade of flames
And cast a third level fireball to haul him to his grave
OK, so tell me dungeon master, what kind of roll you after?
Two D Twenty's both 1's, what a whole disaster

I just came to wreck the dungeons, I have played for many years
But it seems I can't stop dying, why am I reduced to tears
I have been so many races, put me in the hall of fame
I have had so many faces, but they all end up the same
I will die upon my sword, spill my blood on hallowed ground
So I'm only level 3, you're sounding kinda judge-y, wow
People tell me, take it easy, D&D is just for fun
It's not my fault, I keep on dying, maybe this whole dungeons dumb

Doesn't matter, mage or monk, my tale was sung by pages 1
Barbarian will rage quit, who knew sewer rats were dangerous
I'm feeling jaded, of course I'm blaming the dungeon master
But after I cross examined, other candidates, retracted
And in fact it's a little more likely that the problem is 
The guy rolling the dice, is a tiny bit incompetent
Opulent in optimism, driven by my need to be
The hero people see to be, but ends up failing miserably
Judging by my history, the only time they'd call my name
Is if the village furnace was low, and needed bodies for the flames
In fact, one time rescuing a kitty from a tree
I rolled a three, snapped a branch and plummeted three feet
Hit my knee and broke my femur on the boulder beneath
Angered a hive of bees who descended as I screamed
Barely surviving as the wolves came in threes after me
I survived the encounter but was eaten by the fleas

I just came to wreck the dungeons, I have played for many years
But it seems I can't stop dying, why am I reduced to tears
I have been so many races, put me in the hall of fame
I have had so many faces, but they all end up the same
I will die upon my sword, spill my blood on hallowed ground
So I'm only level 3, you're sounding kinda judge-y, wow
People tell me, take it easy, D&D is just for fun
It's not my fault, I keep on dying, this whole dungeons dumb

I just came to wreck the dungeons, plundering the treasures deep
Measure of my pleasure comes from whether I end up deceased
I'm enlightened by critique, leaping into dungeons deep
These encounters they repeat, so frequent they put me to sleep
So call me weak, I'm into story driven types of narrative
Embarrassing, this dimly lit hovel that you have us in
The cobblestone caverns filled with all types of ravenous
Goblins or wolves and other things I can imagine it
Barrel through the depths, getting braver just a little bit
Until we reach the end boss, but it's a dragon isn't it?
These tales are getting infamous for being just a little shit
But I have just the supplement, something of a better fit
Maybe I could take the reigns, and instead of being armour clad
I could make an army of horrid hags on tiger backs
A siege of a mythical castle, atop mossy bricks
Until you find the king wizard, now payback is a bitch

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