Flapjacks

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Croydon Tourist Office

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People often ask me Robert
How do you keep so happy
And I always tell them
I eat a lot of flapjacks

People often ask me Robert
What should I do with my life
And I always tell them
Eat more flapjacks

People often ask me oi Robert
How do I find contentment with the woman of my dreams
And I always tell them
Shower her with flapjacks

People often ask me Robert
At exactly what point does bread become toast
And I always tell them
Twenty nine seconds on a setting of four to five

People often ask me Robert
Where do I best park my car in the multi story car park
And I always tell them
Next to the shop that sells flapjacks

People often ask me hey knobhead
Who's gonna win the FA cup
And I always tell them
The team which eats the most flapjacks

People often ask me hey Robert
What if I don't like flapjacks
And I always tell them
Then you are the incarnation of evil
A corruption of all civility
A siege of pure thought
A rebellion in devilish hues

A tyranny
A subjugation 
Bereft of all that which keeps men sane
You affect the most hideous encroachments
You harass all beauty just by your existence 
Twisting the truth until it lies broken and bleeding on the floor of life
Away with you foul demon 
And do not bother me again with your irrational ways
Be gone
Be gone
Be gone

People often ask me hey Robert
Shall I leave my mobile phone on charge all night
And I always tell them
Best unplug it before you go to bed

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