Things We Didn't Say

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Timaj Garad

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Freedom looks exactly like me
Freedom looks exactly like me
I rode the train 6 times today from one terminal station to another
You don't know you're one of the many people
I've watched fill and empty this train in succession
And out of all of them you're the only one I knew for certain would ask me this question
You asked how are you
Sometimes when people ask me how I am I want to say
I feel as though my heart may implode
Or that the blood inside it may boil over my ribcage
Leaving it looking like tomato soup stained stove elements
Or that I may at any instant shatter into a billion pieces
And litter the floor beneath your feet with myself
I want to say my mouth feels pregnant with the earth
My teeth are white picket fences of polite speech
Holding in shifting continents of a world spinning madly out of orbit
I want to ask you
Do you know how it feels to be pregnant in the mouth
With more than you even know how to say
And fear you may abort the whole world and everything in it with silence
You don't answer
Instead you just watch my mouth bloat with everything I've ever known
And I know it seems strange
But sometimes I can feel my blood changing colors like a mood ring
And some colors it becomes
Makes me want to ring it out of my veins like water out of washed clothes
Because I can't always bare to wear myself when I feel this heavy
I can't always bare to wear myself when I feel this heavy
Freedom looks exactly like me
And I know that it's right instead me
Where I go it's beneath my feet
Looks exactly like me
Exactly like me
I imagine you understanding as if we were speaking the same language
And you would say something like, you would say
The emptying and refilling of ourselves often leaves us fuller than before
But instead, I have to translate every feeling
I tell you I will start a revolution and protest the drought I caused in me
Until I bleed myself profusely and passionately back into myself
Until freedom becomes my skin wrapped tightly around the whole thing because
Freedom looks exactly like me because freedom looks exactly like
But I look up and see that blank face stare
And you're nodding your head so consistently
That I wonder if perhaps you've started to drifted off into a hip hop beat to drown me out
You move in closer but still seem to be moving toward the other end of this train
So again I try to reach you
Freedom looks exactly like me
And I know that it's right instead me
Where I go it's beneath my feet
Looks exactly like me
Exactly like me
You see before the revolution I wanted to tell you to hold me more
Because I felt I may shatter, collapse, and expose
These shattered fragments masquerading as a complete person if not held together
But the look in your eyes tells me
You don't know how to make glue out of your arms anyway
I wish I knew then that it's not something you needed to know how to do
But if only the question
What revolution are you talking about? wasn't hanging from your iris
Like a lost eyelash in unfamiliar fields of view
If only you could feel this view from where I am
Then we could say this all casually
Like we're talking about the weather
It wouldn't spook you, it would move you
Because you of all people would know
You of all people would know
That it's okay to let small talk fall like a deep sigh back into its common cocoon
So that it can take the time it needs in seclusion
To grow wildly honest enough to take flight
And journey between our mouths seeing the world
But instead of seeing the world I am just on a train
And we've been stuck on this train forever
Feasting on little cities
Citizens lost and sitting on my tongue like an aftertaste
This is just the story of the lie I told you that day
And I'm sorry I couldn't say more I just didn't feel safe
These words are like ghosts wandering the graveyards of things I should have said
Because when you asked me how I was
When you asked me how I was I assassinate truth
Turned autopilot on to auto-commute to an acceptable answer
Dug graves for the words that didn't make the cut between my lips
Swallowed the entire globe in one sentence and said
Good, how are you

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