Tommy's Tale (The Ballad of Obese Raccoon)

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Marjorie Halloran

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Once upon a time (But fairly recently)
There lived a man and woman who wanted a family
One day they found a little raccoon abandoned by his mommy
The Jeffersons, they loved him, kept him warm and safe and clean
He was the cutest little woodland creature you had ever seen
They adopted him and named him Tommy

Eventually all good things must come to an end
One dark and stormy night, a knock came at the door
"Sorry, ma'am," the ranger said, "I'm here to apprehend
You're keeping a wild animal illegally, and we can't allow it anymore"

"Please don't take him!" Mrs. Jefferson cried, "This can't be real
Where is he going to live? How will he find his next meal?"

The enclosure at the wildlife center wasn't too secure
And time was of the esscence, his stomach couldn't wait
There might be a better world out there, but how could he be sure?
Clever Tommy had to escape, and when he was out, he ate

Snails and worms and lady bugs, apples nice and round
A half eaten slice of pizza someone left on the ground
Remnants of a casserole from a trash can up the road
Tommy, if you're not careful, you'll explode

It turns out when you're living on the streets, you gotta make your own way
Sneak in through the pet doors, help yourself to tuna pâté
Tommy quickly realized lots of food is wasted and thrown away
A neighborhood of picky eaters becomes a wild raccoon buffet

Oranges and avocadoes, grilled cheese with fries
Marshmallows with chocolate silk and coconut cream pies
Taco shells and egg salad and a bit of liverwurst
Tommy, if you're not careful, you might burst

The neighbors began calling him "Obese Raccoon"
He grew too large for pet doors, people chased him with brooms
He didn't really notice, and just kept on moving on
Going house to house 'til all the leftovers were gone

When all the cans on elm street were empty, it was time
To move along, street by street to a better place
Up the social garbage bin ladder he climbed
And fancy homes have the fanciest trash, so Obese Raccoon stuffed his face

Lobster and fois gras and ratatouille stew
Truffle risotto, lemon gelato, and a pot of cheese fondue
Pinot noir and caviar, escargot nonstop
And one sad day, our Obese Raccoon, he wasn't careful, and he went "pop"

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