18 Year Old That I Am (2017, Live in 2018 @ Viseltear Violins)

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Jason Gots

3:05

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I couldn't even commit to a phone call
Slid out the back way to slip all the obvious questions
Slept in a coffin inlaid with signs
Designed to resist all your crowbars and kindnesses

I think you're gonna have to take my word for it
Inside my head there are gardens of Babylon
Cities unfazed by the language of real estate
Breathtaking, meaningless here in the hallways

Please understand me this time
I swear that this isn't some kind of veiled humblebrag
Quite the opposite, I'm
So painfully aware that it's never what it looks like
And how we crouch down in our trenches
And layer defenses on top of defenses
And pop up like prairie dogs now and again
When some random noise startles us back to our senses

I believe paradoxically sometimes that you
Might tip over the edge into some kind of breakthrough
That by turning myself inside out in this way
I might startle us both out of sleep into motion

I believe like the 18 year old that I am
That it's wise to keep death always closest at hand
That it's better to spiral all out of control
Than to turn into something you'd hate to imagine

Please understand me for once
I swear that this isn't another veiled humblebrag
Quite the opposite, actually
I'm so very aware that it's never what it looks like
And how we crouch down in our trenches
And layer defenses on top of defenses
And pop up like prairie dogs every now and again
When some random noise startles us back to our senses

I expect that you're busy with emails and such
And maybe this all feels like too little, too much
And I know I can be prickly and strange to the touch
And I'm mindful that poetry's sometimes a crutch

I believe like the 18 year old that I am
That it's wise to keep death always closest at hand
Because life's always hurrying off on some errand
And death is reflective and well-read and reverent

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